Nick Lachey and his wife, former MTV VJ Vanessa Minnilo, had a son last night, who they named Camden John. Upon hearing the news, Kristin Cavallari (Lachey’s ex) tweeted “Apparently Camden is a popular name!” because she and her fiance, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, had a baby a few weeks ago who they named Camden Jack. This is hilarious, because “Camden John” and “Camden Jack” sound like the names of two-bit mobsters who settled in New Jersey after they couldn’t cut it in Philadelphia or New York. Anyway, Cavallari followed up her initial tweet with a clarification, saying “By the way that wasn’t a bitchy tweet at all. I obviously love the name and I’m glad other people do too,” which was totally unnecessary because the only people who have any right to be angry about anything in this situation are the poor babies who are stuck with the name Camden.
Have any of you been to Camden? I’ll answer that for you: No, you have not been to Camden. Camden is a dump. I have lived in the greater Philadelphia area for a fair chunk of my life, directly across the river from Camden, and I have been there exactly three times: once when I went to Adventure Aquarium, once when I saw a concert in their outdoor music venue, and once when I got incredibly lost trying to get to Cherry Hill. Those are the three times I went to Camden because those are literally the only reasons to go to Camden. Naming your baby Camden is like naming your baby … well, like naming your baby Camden. I can’t think of a better analogy. Taco Bell, maybe?
Listen here, parents: You are free to name your child after any city or location you please, but for the love of God visit that place first. It’s the least you can do. I mean … Paris? Fine. Brooklyn? Sure, I guess. But Camden? CAMDEN? That’s practically child abuse.
Thank you for your time.
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