Oh God! Gordon Ramsay Has a Sex Tape

Gordon Ramsay — British cooking legend, Michelin Eleventy Billion Star Chef, and Britain’s second-most profane man after Malcolm Tucker — apparently has a sex tape, according to Radar Online:

The Hells Kitchen star’s ex-mistress, Sarah Symonds, claims that the couple made a raunchy home movie during their affair that may now have landed in the wrong hands.

“The Metropolitan Police (in London) contacted me recently to tell me that during their investigations into the News Of The World and Richard Murdoch phone hacking inquiry they found sensitive information on Gordon and me, including tapes and transcripts of our personal meetings towards the end of our affair in 2008, and intimate phone conversations and voice mails,” Symonds told Star magazine in an exclusive interview, and she is now worried that they may have found more X-rated evidence.

“I know from a source that there is a sex tape too, I wonder if the police have found it though, and if so what happens to it?” she asked.

Can you even imagine what a sex tape with Gordon Ramsey might sound like? “Do me a favor, turn over or f–k off. WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR LEGS OVER MY HEAD? SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TAKE OFF YOUR F—ING BRA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT MOVE YOUR ASS MEANS TO YOU IN TEXAS, SWEETHEART, BUT OVER HERE IT MEANS STOP SITTING THEIR LIKE A SCALLOP ON A NONSTICK PAN.”

At least we know he’s a yeller.