To the best of my knowledge, there have now been at least five GEICO commercials featuring Maxwell the Pig. The first, from 2010, was a play on the “This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home” line from the “This Little Piggy” song, with the twist at the end being that he could actually talk. Okay, fine. Annoying as all hell, but fine. Another commercial, which premiered last year, features Maxwell screwing around with his phone in the first-class section of an airplane as a way to get to a “when pigs fly” joke. A bit of a stretch, and a hell of a long walk to get to a simple joke, but again, fine, whatever. There have also been ones where he zip-lines and luges, because why not, I guess.
The latest commercial in this series, however, makes no sense at all. It features Maxwell and a girl waiting for assistance in a broken down car, and while they wait, she tries to seduce him. There is no pun. There is no pig-related play on words. That’s the premise: A girl wants to f-ck a pig. The end.
For the benefit of those of you who may not have seen it…
I found the whole thing incredibly confusing, so I have compiled this list of questions about the commercial for the people at GEICO. I will alert you once I receive their answers.
How did the pig learn to talk?
Are there other talking pigs in this fictional world?
Did the pig really drive that car up there?
How did he reach the pedals?
How did he reach the wheel?
Does he have his license?
If so, where does he keep it if he doesn’t wear clothes?
If not, isn’t this sending a pretty terrible message to children everywhere?
Is it impossible for the local authorities to charge him with driving without a license (or any offense) because criminal statutes are all tailored toward humans?
Do you think we should close this loophole and change our laws in the real world to account for the possibility that animals will one day be able to talk and drive cars?
If not, how would you feel if a loved one gets killed by a drunk zebra on a motorcycle, and the zebra doesn’t get any jail time?
If we’re going to be prosecuting animals for crimes, do you think we have a duty to let them vote and run for office?
What animal do you think would make the best president?
An owl, right?
How does the pig pay for his car, car insurance, and cell phone?
Does the pig have a job?
If so, what is the pig’s job?
Did he get his job as some sort of mandatory animal hiring requirement put in place by our new owl president?
Do you think we should impeach the owl president for instituting these kinds of radical policies?
Who is that girl?
Why is she trying to have sex with a pig?
Isn’t that illegal?
Wait, are they, like, going steady?
Does that make this more creepy or less creepy?
If they are going steady, how does her father feel about his daughter dating a talking pig?
Does he yell things like “NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS GOING TO DATE A TALKING PIG! MY HOUSE, MY RULES!”?
Does that make her father a bigot?
Are people who are bigoted against talking pigs called “pigots”?
If they’re not dating, doesn’t she seem a little, you know, fast?
Does she hook up with a lot of pigs, or is this her first pig beau?
How did they meet?
Is it okay to have sex with a pig if the pig is human enough to talk and drive a car?
Even if it is, couldn’t this girl probably do better than a pig with a crappy, broken down car?
Is the pig popular?
Do you think the pig’s nickname is Bacon?
Do you think when the pig drives around town everyone honks and waves at him and yells “Heeeeey Bacon!”?
Do you think Bacon is an inappropriate nickname for a pig?
If you have the pig over for dinner and he notices a package of ham in your deli drawer, do you think he’d be cool about it or make a big scene?
If you lived in this town and were having trouble feeding your family because you got laid off months earlier and you lost out on the one job you thought you had to a popular, underqualified talking pig named Bacon thanks to the owl president’s new employment laws, would you consider kidnapping and eating the pig?
Isn’t that kind of a short-term solution?
Why doesn’t the pig pick up on this girl’s obvious cues that she wants to have sex with him?
Does the pig have Asperger’s?
Is the Asperger’s a side effect of the science experiment that gave the pig the ability to talk?
If so, would you say it was worth it?
How far down this path are you willing to go?
If there was a drug that guaranteed the general health of your child to age 21, but resulted in instant death .001% of the time, would you give it to your baby?
Do you think doctors have a moral and/or professional obligation to offer this kind of treatment even if they think the harm outweighs the good?
If the girl and the pig end up starting a family, will their kids be strange human-pig hybrids, or will half of them be 100% pig and half of them be 100% human, kind of like when Kermit and Miss Piggy had babies on The Muppets?
How does the pig play Fruit Ninja with his little pig feet?
Do you think the pig is a Scientologist?
Thank you for your time.