Remember those TLC Virgins that Matt wrote about last week (BRING BACK MATT … oh cram it in your cramholes, people)? Remember how they showed premarital affection by nuzzling their faces against one another like they were trying to start a fire with their foreheads? And remember their first kiss: At their wedding? And how it looked like they two frogs trying to catch flies IN EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS? Well, here’s a shocker. The first time they had sexual relations was not as mind-blowing as they’d expected.
Ryan said, “It was good, but not as good as I was expecting. It was not really like in the movies.” Shanna confided that it was “an amazing experience,” but also said that she found intercourse “really painful.”
No?! Get out of town! You mean to tell me that two 31-year-old virgins who kissed like two people mauling each other with their tongues didn’t have a good first sexual experience? Can you even imagine what it must have been like? Of course it hurt, Shanna. He was probably thrashing around on top of you like a fish out of water. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: Start early, come often, otherwise you’ll end up breaking a hip or poking an eye out on your wedding night.