This week’s Top Chef really had it all: high drama, multiple eliminations, and multiple contestants pulling such bonehead moves that the ending was like three or four people fighting to see who could jump in front of the cannon first. Ooh, ooh, shoot me! *I* want to stand behind my bad dish!
But before that was the dreaded ELIMINATION QUICKFIRE, which would send one loser home halfway through the episode. Harsh, man. Cullin’ those chefs like lame bison. The quickfire was actually an astrology-based challenge, celebrating the city of Charleston’s reputation for… uh… horoscopes, I guess? Each cheftestant got their pick from a chalkucopia of labeled stuff, corresponding to their category of sign.
Sorry, air signs, it’s only curing and dry aging for you, we’ll check back in six months.
This also meant that in between the cooking shots, we got to hear the cheftestants expound on the subject of their sign and how it’s reflected in their cooking. Oh good, just what reality show contestants need, an excuse to generalize about themselves. Please, Bangles, tell me more about how you embody the wise but stingy scorpion. I’m a Pisces, by the way, that’s why I love flashy socks and Hungarian porno.
Anyway, the bottom three in that one then had to go head-to-head (to head) cooking a dish based on the Earth sign ingredients, since by some strange quirk none of the cheftestants are Earth signs. Weird twist here though: Padma said they had to “decide amongst themselves” what dish to cook with those ingredients and then all cook the same one.
Which is weird because… isn’t choosing the dish like half the battle? Not to mention, “decide amongst yourselves” basically means “most ingratiating person gets f*cked.” It felt like one of those “twists” where the producers didn’t quite finish writing the rules to their own challenge and so they were like “uh… there’s some food left over and… you should probably cook it… anyway, you guys figure it out! This will measure… uh… decisiveness! That’s it! A good chef is decisive!”
But then, maybe I’m just sour because MY FAVORITE CHEF GOT TOTALLY HOSED I HATE YOU YOU UNFAIR BASTARDS!
Phew. Sorry about that. I just get all worked up watching these reality cooking competitions.
The quickfire soon gave way to a PIRATE CHALLENGE! Celebrating the pirate Blackbeard’s 1718 blockade of Charleston Harbor, which is actually a pretty badass historical thing to celebrate. The cheftestants split into teams of three and all got treasure maps leading them on a scavenger hunt for ingredients around the city of Charleston. Top Chef was actually shockingly restrained with the pirate crap for the rest of the episode.
Unless you count Tom and guest judge Michael Cimarusti’s flashy shirts:
Ahoy, matey! Can ye point me to thy nearest Urban Outfitter, yarrr yarrrrr.
Like I said, restrained. You know if Alton Brown had done a pirate challenge he would’ve done the stupid accent the entire time with a parrot and a plastic sword and the PAs would have to hold him down to tear the eye patch off his face at the end of filming. God I hate that man and his flair for children’s birthday party theming. A little more pirate stuff this episode wouldn’t have been a bad thing though, especially since it’s rumored that there was a big gangbang involving Blackbeard’s wife (hint hint, producers, there’s still plenty of season left).
Aaaanyway, there was only one problem with this challenge. Can you guess what it was? As the food scientists among you may have already suggested, raw food, unrefrigerated pirate’s chests, and one of the most humid cities in the country aren’t the non-spoilingest combination. Which led to slimy scallops, funky chowder, and the Padma line that spawned this headline: “I would rather eat Brooke’s acid bomb than Emily’s mud chowder.”
Oh man, you know how much I’d pay to watch Padma eat Emily’s mud chowder while Brooke got acid bombed? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, no more euphemisms this write up, I promise. Something something Donald Trump in Russia. Anyway, the bad food was great viewing, because we got to feast our eyes on a decadent spread of disgusted Padma reaction shots.
Those were all reactions to different dishes, believe it or not. I’m thinking all these pictures titled “Padma Gag” are going to be great for SEO (crap, broke my promise already).
This dude and his stupid white frames were also back.
I hate white frames so much. I don’t even know why, I may need to see a shrink about it. It’s like the world’s laziest trademark.
POWER RANKINGS
10. (-5) ((Eliminated in the Quickfire)) Jim Smith, AKA Truman Compote, aka Lil’ Jim
NOT MY ADORABLE LIL’ JIM, SAY IT AIN’T SO! I was so sure Jim would go far in this competition, singing to his pans and cooking up perfect bundles of deliciousness with the help of his talking apron and some helpful bluebirds. But here he is! Eliminated in the dang quickfire! Jim, a fire sign, landed in the bottom three thanks to his “charred bison and watermelon dashi,” which, to be fair, does sound weird as f*ck. Also, not comforting, and thus not Jim’s wheelhouse. So then he had to go head to head against the other bottom three-ers, Sylva and Emily. When forced to agree on a dish, Jim, being the terminal sweetboy he is, basically let them steamroll him into making steak tartar even though he clearly didn’t want to. Poor Jim! None of his forest animal friends can help when he prepares raw meat!
Also, their justification for steak tartar was that they only had 20 minutes. Not enough to cook the ribeye! Which seems flawed logic. Like, sure you don’t have to cook a steak tartar, but you do have to cut it into tiny cubes, no? You give that ribeye eight minutes a side in a hot ass cast iron and it’d be fine. What, the judges are going to complain about too rare ribeye? Dumb.
Yet even after all that, the judges still said Jim’s tartar was “the most elegant,” but then they turned around and eliminated him anyway because life is unfair and this world is a pile of shit. RIP, Truman Compote.
9. (-2) ((Eliminated)) Jamie Lynch, AKA Rodman, aka Midnight Oil, aka MAH WAHFE
Hoo boy. Well, Jamie started out this episode just fine, dedicating yet another quickfire to a family member, this time his wife (HIS WAAAHFE), a “free-spirited gypsy chick” who loves astrology, which obviously would give Jamie the inspiration to win an astrology-themed quickfire challenge. He also revealed his heroin past (this is the seventh episode, bro, you never wait seven episodes for a heroin reveal!), and justified all his backstory by actually winning the challenge, with his spicy lamb chop over cooling yogurt.
Then he got paired with Bangles and Attitude in the team challenge, and when they drew peanut butter and chicken breast, he was like “Durrr, I have immunity, I’ll take the peanut butter, durrrr.”
So then he was going to make chicken satay (“hashtag ‘takin’ a risk’,” said Jamie), but someone turned off his grill in the middle of it so he had to stick them in the toaster oven or something. Leading to this one of this week’s harshest critiques, “I would expect to get better chicken out of a vending machine.”
Hmm, tell me more about this chicken vending machine.
Anyway, so then Jamie, despite throwing himself on the worst ingredients and then getting sabotaged, bravely decided to abdicate his immunity (can you even do that? can we get a ruling here?). This has to be the only Top Chef move more boneheaded than shouting “I STAND BY MY DISH” at the first sign of criticism. So Padma was like “Sure you wanna do that, bro?”
And Jamie was like “Yeah, Boss, I ain’t stutter.” and Padma was like “aight then, dog, smell ya later.”
Which is a good life lesson. Out here in the real world you don’t win any points for self-sacrifice. Even Jamie’s fans were probably like “dude, what are you even doing?” Try calmly advocating for yourself next time, you’re not Jesus.
8. (+2) Emily Hahn, AKA Avril Terrine, aka Attitude, aka Mud Chowder
This was an easy choice putting Avril Terrine at the bottom of the remaining pack since the judges said straight up she’d be going home if it wasn’t for Jamie and his beef-headed grenade jumping. Emily landed at the bottom of the quickfire for her “floppy skinned” chicken, then campaigned hard to make steak tartar (this may out me as a philistine, but have you ever had a mind-blowing steak tartar? I sure haven’t). Which she served with some potato chips (good idea!), about which Padma asked, “Emily, did you want your chip seasoned… that forcefully?”
Damn, Emily, wait for consent on that seasoning. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Padma hates Emily, because after the passive-aggressive chip seasoning question she dropped that fire diss track about mud chowder.
At the end, Emily even tearfully socked Jamie in the shoulder for going home. Whoa, crying for others?! That’s not the badass ‘tude chick Emily keeps telling me she is! My hope for next episode is that Emily’s being a big ol’ sad sack destined to go home, caring about others, until she pulls her magic red new era hat out of a neon chest, turns it backwards and starts looking out for number one, cooking incredible food with nothing but her two raised middle fingers, her way, her way or the HIGH way.
Dang, my mom’s totally not going to get these Fred Durst jokes when she reads this.
7. (+2) Casey Thompson, AKA Nerd Alert, aka Texas
Man, speaking of bonehead moves, there was Casey. Hot Casey cooked, er, presented “brined scallops” in the elimination challenge, which everyone agreed tasted like squid guts baked in your mom’s panties. I exaggerate. Tom said they “tasted like old seafood” (your mom’s nickname in high school). Rather than just saying “You’re right, guys, I probably shouldn’t have done a raw preparation on scallops that were sitting in a funky treasure chest (something something your mom),” Casey went straight to defensive town, sputtering “They were not bad scallops. I tasted them over and over and over again!”
At this point, there was a wonderful reaction shot:
Have you ever seen three people so perfectly imitate the chattering teeth emoji before? That’s a look that screams “aw shit, the white lady’s mouthing off again.”
Christ, people. This is Top Chef, there’s no instant replay. Make up an excuse. Explain why it happened and what you’ve learned and why it will never happen again. Definitely don’t try to force the judges to admit that they were wrong, most people aren’t good at that — for evidence, see: your own reaction.
That being said, Casey’s stuffed chicken wing in the quickfire looked pretty good.
No idea what “pickled egg cream” is, but I like pickles and eggs and cream and egg cream, so I’ll allow it. By the way, scallops are gross.
6. (-3) Brooke Williamson, AKA Biscuits, aka Acid Bomb, aka The Girl With The Radish Tattoo
Oh Lord, Biscuits is falling like a rock. Our consistent favorite damn near got eliminated last episode, and despite staying out of the bottom three in this week’s quickfire, she ended up giving Padma her first bitter beer face reaction of the episode with her “acid bomb.” Which, by the way, was a dish that somehow involved “cauliflower and raisins.” (*puking gif*)
Said Tom, “it tastes like it was made with sweat.”
Honestly, tasting like sweat seems like best case scenario with cauliflower and raisins. Anyway, despite her cold streak, Brooke continues to be the only contestant able to think strategically, correctly pointing out that giving the guy with immunity on your team the bad ingredients only increases your chances of going home, since it gives your team a better chance to lose and the guy with immunity isn’t going to be the one who goes home. You know, unless he’s an idiot.
5. (-1) Sylva Senat, AKA Fishbone
Sylva sort of flew under the radar this episode, performing low-key terrible. He landed in the bottom three in the quickfire and then served up underseasoned tartar soaked in flavorless beet juice. Somehow, this did not lose him the challenge. In the elimination challenge, he lucked onto a team with Sheldon and Shirley and got de facto immunity. This is the second episode in a row that Syla has landed on the bottom three of one challenge and the top of another. Dude’s almost as inconsistent as Jamie.
4. (-3) John Tesar, AKA Bangles, aka Steve Douchemi, aka His Doucheness
Bangles didn’t exactly continue his hot streak this week, with no wins or top finishes, though he managed to stay out of the bottom in the quickfire and managed to be the best part of the worst team during elimination. On the plus side, he was back to being hateable this week, philosophizing about his Scorpio sign (wait, you mean the guy with ten beaded bracelets around his wrist is into astrology?) and ordering Emily around the kitchen while he smarmily rolled his gnocchi. Did we ever find out who turned off Jamie’s grill? 10 bucks says it was Bangles.
3. (+5) Katsuji Tanabe, AKA Sooge Knight, aka Draymond, aka Professor Kats
One thing Emily’s great at: Looking bored as f*ck any time someone else is getting congratulated
Katsooj may be on the hottest hot streak of any contestant. He won the quickfire with “the most original dish” (saying “thank you” 17 times in a row after he won) despite cooking what looked like salsa served inside a charred onion. Is that dish or a fancy garnish? Can you just eat salsa with a spoon like this? This isn’t ‘Nam, man, there are rules.
After that, Katsuji “saved his entire team” (judges words) with his “cauliflower soup” with chorizo, which didn’t look like a soup at all. It must’ve tasted incredible because there’s nothing Top Chef judges love as much as whinging like old women over a dish slightly misnamed. “Ehhhh, you said custard, this is more of a flan, ehhhhhh…”
2. (even) Sheldon Simeon, AKA Keanu, aka Shel Chillverstein, aka Hopalong, aka Dr. Feelgood
There was much less backstory about Sheldon’s back injury this week, and no confessionals of him subtly intimating how many opiates he’s on. Which left him in his usual spot of the perennial top three, the runner up in both challenges. Maybe second place is where Sheldon belongs, he’s just too chill for all the accolades. That Filipino ceviche looked awesome.
One. (+5) Shirley Chung, aka Bowl of Hug, aka Peppercorns, aka Hotpot
Shirley had a cold couple of episodes there, but I always knew she’d be in the running, and this episode saw her back doing what she does best, with yet another adorably-named comfort stew:
No one makes a number one happy fun time stew like Shirley, hence her new nickname, “Hotpot.” I feel like Shirley’s food might be closest to my own heart. I’m a stew loving ass dude. Mama always said so.
