Last we checked in on the fine people, vampires, wolves and faeries of Bon Temps, Louisiana, a lot of them were dead. The good news is that True Blood‘s diseased vampire horde was finally defeated by Bill Compton and his team of so-called good vampires, which included the sick, dying and ultimately weak Eric Northman. Now we’re left with the nagging question of what’s next, as we know that Eric and Pam are ready to go after the disappointingly absent Sarah Newlin, but we don’t really have a clue what the rest of the gang is up to.
With six episodes left in the season – including tonight’s appropriately-titled “Lost Cause” – there is still a lot of ground to be covered, and it’s impossible to tell where we’re going from here. Obviously, with the death of Alcide and rescue of Nicole from Fangtasia, it’s pretty clear that Sookie will end up with Bill, but that’s a pointless concern. Who’s going to die next and how spectacular will it be? Okay, I know my hope for entertaining resolutions is the real “Lost Cause” at this point, so let’s just stick to the first half of that question. It’s time for most of these morons to die, damn it, so let’s get on with wrapping up these storylines.
Like last week, “Lost Cause” was another 50-minute True Blood snorefest that concluded with 5 final minutes of shoehorned plot points that actually mattered. I’ve given up on grading these episodes because why should I be the only one who hasn’t given up?
Sarah Newlin Keeps Getting More and More Interesting
We’ve barely seen Sarah Newlin since she was discovered exploring her Buddhist side by riding her Yogi, but now Eric and Pam, through the release of Willa Burrell, have discovered their best means of finding Sarah – her sister, Amber Mills, is a vampire in Dallas. Amber really appeals to me because she watches marathons of House Hunters, and that basically describes any given day of my life. If she’d said Yard Crashers, I might start a letter campaign to win the actress’s heart. Still, I’m smart enough to know the difference between reality and really terrible fiction. That said, Pam once again dominated the Line of the Episode competition with “Like being kicked in the cooch by a wallaby, isn’t it?” but I liked Eric’s “We can be assholes” more. I would totally listen to a Wallflowers cover of a David Bowie song entitled, “We Can Be Assholes.”
We’re Going to Miss Hating Ginger the Most
Ginger is a really, really annoying and meaningless character, but when she’s only occasionally on the show, her freakouts can be very entertaining. Her falling off the coffin might be the top highlight of this final season.
For Once, Sookie is the Voice of Mature Reason
How the f*ck are you throwing a party the day after narrowly avoiding the Bon Temps apocalypse? Of course, watching all of those idiots dancing around and getting wasted, I started missing the diseased vampires. Maybe they were the good guys and I had it wrong this whole time. Fortunately, at least none of the attractive 20-somethings of Bon Temps died. You’d think that True Blood takes place in an Abercrombie catalog the way that Sookie’s house was packed with gorgeous young women and good-looking men. In fact, where was my phone call to be an extra?
Will Somebody Please Put Lettie Mae Out of Her Misery Already?
She is single-handedly taking over the title of Worst Character on True Blood, a show that sank three seasons ago from too many terrible characters. For a minute, I really thought that the most action we’d see in this episode was Lettie Mae stabbing Willa, and that would have been a new low for this show. By the way, speaking of Willa, she’s free as a bat now and she decides to hang around and party with a bunch of townspeople who basically wanted all vampires dead a few days ago? I know that Vincent’s hate-filled humans were all killed, but come on, Willa. Get out and see the world already, especially since nobody in the state gives a rat’s ass that Bill murdered your father, the governor.
Andy Sure Moves Forward Quickly
It hasn’t even been a year since Jessica ate three of his daughters and he’s suddenly cool about everything? That’s some unprecedented character maturity. Honestly, this was actually such a great part of this episode, because the last thing we need to be dealing with is lingering minor stories. The town has been through enough, and while Andy should want Jessica’s head on a stake in his front lawn for KILLING THREE OF HIS FOUR DAUGHTERS, I’d rather just eliminate that crap so we can focus on Eric finding Sarah and possibly a cure for the Hep-V strain.
But good for Andy finally growing a pair and popping the question to Holly. That wrapped another minor storyline up, too, so this wasn’t all a complete waste of our lives.
Lafayette Finally Finds Love in the Backseat of Jessica’s Car
(I can’t find a GIF of the scene in question, and I’m not sure I can post it. And don’t get snippy, because I can’t post the Jessica scene either.)
There’s something really humorous about Jessica shouting, “You’re an incredible asshole” at James while Lafayette is having sex with him. I’ve always been fond of Lafayette as a character, mostly because Nelsan Ellis doesn’t get the credit he deserves for being the best actor on the show, but also because he’s the only one who ever makes sense. What he said to Jessica after she freaked out and had Jason Stackhouse rescind James’s invitation into his home was dead on. Move the f*ck on, Jessica. Leave Bam Margera to Lafayette, who truly loves him or something.
Side point of interest: Who the f*ck buys a car with a guy she’s been dating for less than a year? Jessica may be nothing short of wonderful, but holy mackerel she’s as dumb as they come.
Eric is Stage 2 Now
While everyone in Bon Temps was partying like half the vampires in the world aren’t still out there dying of VAIDS, Eric revealed that he has reached Stage 2 of the Hep-V virus. What confuses me about this is how he’s fine, but those other vampires were all disgusting messes. I know that he’s been feeding and all, but so were they. Those sick vampires wiped out entire towns before they made it to Bon Temps, so they were eating, too. I guess it also depends on how important the character is. Let that be a reminder should any of you ever be cast on vampire soap operas.
Everyone Telepathically Loves Sookie Now
As Sookie got drunker and drunker, she overheard all of the people at her party thinking about how much they all like her now and how they feel bad for her because she has lost more than anyone. Does anyone else think it’s f*cked up that Alcide’s stupid, stupid, stupid death is being overlooked for the sake of red plastic cups and crappy dance party music? No, of course not. Because Alcide would have wanted it this way.
It Took 48 Minutes for Someone to Finally Point Out the Obvious
Nicole finally pointed out how incredibly stupid it was that the town was having a party after so many people were brutally murdered. Granted, I’m writing half of this off because she was the pregnant girl at a party full of booze. That had to be tough on her. But between her behavior and Bill’s constant flashbacks about his wife, we all know what this is setting up for.
In the End, This is All About Falling in Love
And love is dumb and Jason Stackhouse is the biggest idiot of them all. I think we can all agree that a feud between Violet and Jessica can be very fun, even if it’s over Jason. I’d prefer that Jason end up with a much crappier vampire, perhaps one that smokes Newports in the car with the windows up and has four children from three past relationships, but a guy’s gotta find love, y’all.
Bill is apparently an idiot for the past, and as we see that he’s pining more and more for the only woman he said he’d love for the rest of his life, it’s becoming clear that he’s not going to end up with Sookie. Instead, he has Hep-V now, too, and even though that doesn’t make sense and I’m sure there will be some silly cause, like he was splattered during the battle or he got it when he helped clean Sookie off, I think we can expect to see Bill fulfill his True Death when this is all said and done.
But Back to the Most Interesting Part of the Final Season
The Yakuza finally came for Sarah and killed her dad and, much more hilariously, her mom at the campaign fundraiser for Ted Cruz. My prediction that Eric is going to spare Sarah to find a cure for Hep-V grew a little stronger when Eric, who couldn’t even punch a hole in a wall last week, slaughtered the Yakuza foot soldiers and ripped that one guy’s face out. I’m still pretty pissed off at how terrible the first 50 minutes of this episode were, but that scene was awesome. If part of Sarah’s demise is her watching her parents be killed, then I’m fine with it up to this point, but now that Eric has her – and that’s assuming she didn’t somehow escape the vampires that can travel 10 times as fast as any human – it’s time to crap or get off the can.
Oh, About that Whole Political Aspect
We get it – people in Texas are Republicans. But you made up a fake governor of Louisiana so why not stay true to the theme? Quit dragging politics into this show for the sake of being edgy, so Mommy Newlin can say things like, “You know what happens if the liberal media finds out about this.” It’s not going to make anyone pretend that this show is any more biting than it already is, because if True Blood was an actual vampire, it’d have corks on its fangs.
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Of course Sarah got away, and Eric and Pam were somehow caught by the Yakuza. I’m sure it will all be explained so well in the final minutes of next week’s episode.