It didn’t seem possible that last week’s episode of True Blood, “Lost Cause,” could leave a worse taste in my brain’s mouth than any of the other episodes from this lackluster final season, but all of that Ted Cruz stupidity really took things to a new level. Leave it to a series that had one job in its final season – to either kill everyone off in spectacular fashion or make them fall in love without making us barf – to not only keep introducing stupid new plotlines, but also pick a political flame war* for the sake of drumming up cheap ratings. Actually, you know what? I don’t know why I’m complaining. After all, I always whine that True Blood doesn’t try to surprise us anymore, and yet here I am surprised.
Anyway, when we last left our supernatural friends in Bon Temps, Bill was getting all sorts of emo over his Civil War past and the woman he claimed would be the only one he’d love for eternity, while Sookie and the gang made House Party 2 look like Citizen-f*cking-Kane. In the only interesting plot remaining, though, Eric Northman and Pam finally caught Sarah Newlin, and a lot of wealthy Texans and Yakuza foot soldiers paid the ultimate price in the process. Unfortunately, Eric’s reunion with Sarah was short-lived, as the preview revealed, and now we’re supposed to believe that Eric would actually die with five episodes left. If he dies in this week’s True Blood episode, “Karma,” all 36 of us still watching will riot.
On with the standard 50 minutes of awful crap and 6 minutes of decent action and storytelling.
*Did you know: The producers reportedly invited Sarah Palin to appear in an episode this season. That’s so edgy or something.
True or False: There are no such things at spoiler alerts at Comic-Con.Subscribe to UPROXX
Before we even get into the episode, let’s talk about this teaser trailer for the final five episodes of Season 7. Obviously, as we’ve all expected, Sarah Newlin is the key to the Hep-V cure, so it’s just a matter of catching her and not letting her escape like Eric, Pam and the Yakuza just did last week. As for everyone else in Bon Temps, I didn’t really pay attention, because I saw Lettie Mae being led to Tara’s spirit and I threw my monitor in the garbage disposal. I have an unusually large garbage disposal.
True or False: Even a sick and dying Eric Northman is better than anyone else.
You’d think that with all of their money and resources, the Yakuza would have developed some kind of vampire stun gun technology to avoid moments like Eric slaughtering them like they’re bugs flying into an electric zapper. But then, it wouldn’t be very entertaining for us if Eric spent the only three minutes that he’s in the episode getting his ass kicked instead of beating the life out of some A-holes with swords.
Obviously, Eric wasn’t going to die this soon, if he will at all, and it definitely wouldn’t be at the hands of the cowboy hat-wearing president of the pharmaceutical company (even if he is one of the best characters to be introduced on True Blood in the last four seasons). I also don’t want to keep beating a dead horse, but how do the writers and producers sit there and think, “Yeah, three minutes of Eric teaming up with the Yakuza to hunt Sarah Newlin should be good enough, so we can spend the rest of the time having Lettie Mae be obnoxious while Andy stops his daughter from committing incest” and act like that’s the right choice? Go on Twitter and Tumblr and read the fan reactions to tonight’s episode and see how much anyone is enjoying Lettie Mae’s terrible story.
Bottom line – if each episode of True Blood is a sandwich, it’s like 15 slices of bread topped with a thin slice of American cheese, then another 15 slices of bread, a thin slice of processed bologna, and then another 15 slices of bread, all topped off with a soggy pickle. Maybe the point is to look past the bread for the sake of enjoying the cheese, but good God almighty, give me a whole brick of cheese.
True or False: Jessica’s night just got even worse than she imagined.
As if watching her boyfriend get drilled by Lafayette in the back of her own car wasn’t bad enough, Jessica had to come home just in time to hear Bill admit to his attorney’s secretary that he has Hep-V. It’s a tough time to be an immortal virgin, especially one that just ruined Jason’s relationship with Violet.
True or False: You shouldn’t ever cheat on a vampire, especially if you’re dumber than rocks like Jason Stackhouse.
So Jason not only got to have crazy emotional sex with Jessica at Sookie’s terrible party to celebrate the people an vampires who didn’t die, but then he got to come home to a beej from Violet. If there’s a moral to True Blood at all, it’s that sometimes it pays to be the really stupid guy, as long as you’ve got abs sculpted from stone. If Violet had also put a Cardinals game on the TV while she pleasured her man, I might have fainted from being too in love.
True or False: True Blood needs to borrow a page from Breaking Bad after this season.
For as much as the last three (or five) seasons of True Blood have let us down and caused fans to jump ship, I would instantly forgive it all if HBO announced a spin-off about a vampire lawyer like Better Call Saul. That would jump to the top of my list of must-watch TV, especially if each episode features a cameo from Bill Compton, as he comes to the office, argues with an attorney and then stabs him or her in the chest with a letter opener. The opening of each episode could even be a new lawyer being trained as the dead lawyer’s body is removed. I’m available to write it, HBO. Call me.
True or False: Guys can be so stubborn sometimes, especially when it comes to brutally murdering a mutual enemy.
As usual, Pam wins the best lines of the episode with her common sense speech of urgency at the pharmaceutical company’s office of death. I’d make a case that Holly stole the honor this week with her slut-shaming shoutfest at Andy, but I’ll get to how stupid that all is in just a moment.
True or False: True Blood fulfilled my sisters puking blood on each other quota for the week.
Amber Mills puking on Sarah Newlin made me laugh a lot. Not as much as Bill jacking the lawyer in the chest with a letter opener, or him making the vampire guard explode with a pencil to the heart, but I have a pretty big funny bone when it comes to women puking on each other.
True or False: Hep V is probably the 4th or 5th worst thing that Sookie has given one of her partners.
Was there ever a doubt in anyone’s mind that Sookie was responsible for Bill having a super-fast-spreading version of Hep-V? And I don’t mean that like we knew because she pulled a Demi Lovato in the field before a diseased vampire blew up on her, so obviously Bill got it by feeding on Sookie later. I mean, how did Bill not see his veins darkening and then just mutter, “Damn it, Sookie”? That would have not only saved plenty of time, but also been very accurate and hilarious. Also, I know Alcide’s dead and Eric already got Hep-V from someone else long before Sookie was exposed, but I would love it if the next episode is just 60 minutes of Sookie calling former lovers to inform them that they should be tested just in case.
True or False: Tara should just drag Lettie Mae to hell with her already.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY CRAP, I don’t care about whatever Tara buried in the front yard. Unless it’s the original scripts for a better final season, in which case I have two shovels in my garage that can be borrowed and never returned.
True or False: Nobody cares about Adilyn and her stepbrother having sex either.
I’d probably be a lot more upset over the stupidity of Andy and Holly fighting about their kids right after they got engaged, because Andy’s proposal should have been the end of that storyline, but the whole thing was saved by pissed off Violet stepping in and kidnapping them. Violet is awesome as is, from the whole perspective of comedic relief combined with the dark edginess and solid violence, but now a Violet scorned by A-hole Jason, who deserves a serious ass-kicking for celebrating after he found Violet’s breakup note, should be a lot of fun.
True or False: Sarah “Newme” Newlin is literally a different person now… and she’ll still be slaughtered by Eric.
Sarah Newlin was awesome. Newme just sucks. Still, Anna Camp plays the clueless psychopath so well that whatever version of Sarah we get is still 100 percent better and more entertaining than just about any other character in the show. And finally, the revelation that we all expected, Sarah is the walking, talking cure for Hep-V, because she drank the vial that had the cure in it before she escaped from the vampire attack at the camp last season. Now, I’m no fancy medical doctor type with a white coat and some test tubes, but I would have thought that drinking the cure would have just made her eventually pee it out. But that doesn’t matter because wherever she went from her sister’s home is where Eric will have to find her to cure himself and hopefully Bill.
Wouldn’t it be a lot more fun, though, if that was the centerpiece of each episode leading up to the finale instead of watching crap like Jessica’s ex sulk into Lafayette’s home or Nicole crying about how she can’t raise her baby in Bon Temps? Just f*cking leave already, Nicole. You offer us absolutely nothing, and we know Sam’s not staying with you. Damn it, I’m so irrationally annoyed by the fact that there are four episodes left and we got less than four minutes of Eric and Pam this week.
On Next Week’s True Blood…
How much do you want to bet that the clips of Eric in that preview are basically his entire scenes for next week? I’d put a nickel on it.