This is the Shark Tank, where hopeful entrepreneurs get a once-in-a-lifetime chance to pitch the sharks in hopes of getting an investment to start, grow, or save their businesses. The entrepreneurs must convince a shark to invest the full amount they’re asking for, or they’ll walk away with nothing. If the sharks hear a great idea, they’re ready to invest using their own money. And they’re willing to fight each other for a piece of the action.
[cut to hilarious montage introducing each shark, most of which feature them defiantly crossing their arms across their chests and/or deep in thought looking out windows of high-rises or private planes]
First into the tank is an entrepreneur with an interesting proposal about an in-demand product…
Tywin Lannister: My name is Tywin Lannister. I am seeking assistance in my quest to acquire more Valyrian steel — the finest, rarest steel in all of the Seven Kingdoms. I am offering 2% of my kingdom in exchange for a $50 million investment.
Barbara Corcoran: $50 million for 2% seems awfully high. Am I to believe your kingdom has a valuation of $2.5 billion? Because, as one of the most visible and influential real estate developers in America, which I am, and you can ask anyone if you don’t believe me, including the hundreds of attendees at last week’s Realtors Association of America conference, at which I delivered the keynote speech for the third year in a row, I’m having a hard time believing any property is worth $2.5 billion in this market.
Tywin Lannister: [glares silently]
Barbara Corcoran: Tell me about this steel. Valyrian? Was that it?
Tywin Lannister: Vaylrian steel is lighter and stronger than regular steel. It was made in Valyria using dragonfire until the Freehold fell, and now the secrets of its creation are lost. Blades forged from it are the sharpest in the world, and they retain their edge forever.
Robert Herjavec: I think it would help if I could see one of these Valyrian blades. Do you have one with you?
Tywin Lannister: Certainly. This is Widow’s Wail, one of two smaller blades that were made after I had House Stark’s sword, Ice, melted down at King’s Landing. It belonged to my grandson.
Robert Herjavec: Belonged? What happened? Did he lose it when he got grounded?
[all of the sharks laugh]
Tywin Lannister: He was poisoned at his wedding. He was a poor king.
Robert Herjavec: O… oh. Listen, it sounds like you’ve got a great business plan, and I’m sure you’ll be hugely successful with it, but I think this is all just too intense for me. I’m out.
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: [ignoring the obvious awkwardness in the room] Now, here’s the thing. I own businesses all over the world, one of which actually deals directly with Valyrian steel, and here’s what I know: the market’s there, but not the supply. How many Valyrian steel swords are there in the world? Eight? Ten?
Tywin Lannister: No one knows for certa-…
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: And even if we get all of them, then what? We ship one large order around the holidays and we’re sold out forever?
Tywin Lannister: I would use them to arm my most trusted warriors to defend King’s Landing from rebels and usurper-…
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: Exactly what I thought. This isn’t a growth industry. I’m here to MAKE MO-NEY, not get involved in a generations long struggle for powe…
Mark Cuban: BUT THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: What is?
Mark Cuban: By investing now and acquiring the steel, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to PRINT money down the line in other areas!
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: Okay, Tywin, listen. I own businesses. I know what I’m talking about. What do you do?
Tywin Lannister: I am Lord of Casterly Rock.
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: All right, I’m going to make you an offer, against my better judgment. I’ll give you the $50 million for 2% of your company, BUT I also want a written agreement that you will try to sell at least half of the blades we acquire to the highest bidder, regardless of House or allegiance, and that I get 20% of the gross from each sale. I need assurances that I’ll recoup my investment.
Tywin Lannister: A Lannister always pays his debts.
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: Offer expires in 3… 2… 1…
Tywin Lannister: You are a vile, disgusting boar masquerading as a man. I decline your offer.
Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary: Your loss. It was a good deal. I’m out.
Mark Cuban: [rolls eyes]
Lori Greiner: See, now here’s where I find this interesting. Let’s say I give you the money, and your warriors are able to use the blades to expand the kingdom and take over other territories around the world. When the looting is over … how would you feel about selling the pillaged goods on QVC? I have the connections. I can make that happen.
Tywin Lannister: If you must.
Lori Greiner: Well in that case, here’s my offer: $50 million for 4% of your kingdom… but I’m gonna need another shark to go in with me on this. Barbara?
Barbara Corcoran: [has gotten up from chair and is now trying to sell the cameraman a nice little two-bedroom home in the San Fernando Valley]
Mark Cuban: You know, I’m not sure the investment is gonna be worth it in the short term, but I’m all about the long game here. I’ll go in with Lori for $50 million at 4%… AND I’ll throw in an extra $100 million for a seat at the Small Council.
Tywin Lannister: Seats at the Small Council are not for sale.
Mark Cuban: $200 million. Final offer.
Tywin Lannister: Deal.
[Mark Cuban and Lori Greiner jump up to shake hands with Tywin and celebrate their new business venture]
Tywin Lannister: As for the rest of you…
[Tywin, Mark, and Lori exit the room together. As they leave, “The Rains of Castamere” begins playing and dozens of armed guards rush into the room and surround the three judges who turned down his offer]
Guard: The Lannisters send their regards.Subscribe to UPROXX