The Emmy Awards are this Sunday, which means a few things. Primarily, it means that we will be spending most of Monday and Tuesday yelling and screaming about all the various snubs and travesties that offended our delicate Internet sensibilities. That is a given. But it also means that you will lose a decent chunk of your Sunday evening listening to actors and actresses give acceptance speeches, which for the most part will be awful, self-important wastes of time and oxygen. (Notable exception: Robert Downey, Jr.’s speech from the 2010 Golden Globes.)
Luckily, Parker Posey is here to help.
In the video below, she plays an acting teacher named JAN (short for Just Act, Naturally) who teaches a master class on Emmy acceptance speeches. It’s a cute, fun take on the whole thing, but, I mean, Parker Posey could sit perfectly still and read a book full of soup recipes and I’d enjoy that too, so take that with a grain of salt. (IDEA: A book full of soup recipes titled Take That With a Grain of Salt. Audiobook narrated by Parker Posey. If interested, please contact me at DangerGuerrero [at] TheInternet [dot] org.) I don’t know. If for no other reason, you should watch it to see Parker Posey huck eggs at people’s faces.
In a related matter, just once — just one single time — I’d like to see an actor do the following: Walk up on stage to accept an award, shake the presenter’s hand, step up to the microphone, take a deep breath, calmly and casually say “Hail Satan,” then turn around and walk right off the stage.