The Quest (ABC, 8 p.m.) — If you watch this instead of football, you’re a [INSERT OGRE GIF HERE].
Thursday Night Football (NBC, 8:30 p.m.) — It doesn’t matter if you’re not a Seahawks or Packers fan. Football is back, which means we can finally say F*CK YOU to this horrible offseason.
Worst Thing I Ever Did (ID, 10 p.m.) — “After 35 years, Rick asks George to forgive him for stealing his bride and his dreams.” Rick sounds like a dick.
The Honorable Woman (Sundance, 10 p.m.) — This show’s airing against a football game, so negative-nine people will watch it, but it’s very good. Marathon it when you get a chance.
Married/You’re the Worst (FX, 10:30 p.m.) — Jimmy meets Gretchen’s parents, who must be magical creatures for giving birth to someone as great as Gretchen (I really like her/this show).
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Steve Buscemi on Letterman; Larry David, Gisele Bundchen, Jeezy, and Future on Fallon; Sarah Silverman and Taraji P. Henson on Kimmel; Rachael Ray on Ferguson; Heidi Klum, Kieran Culkin, and Leslie Jones on Meyers; Chris Hardwick and David Gray on Conan; Adam Levine on Stewart; and Doris Kearns Goodwin on Colbert.