Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — If you care about the quick return of “Community,” you will not watch the premiere of “Are You There, Chelsea” tonight. If for some reason it’s good (it’s not), we’ll let you know. And you already know that “Whitney” is no damn good. So, avoid them. Tell all your friends to avoid them. If you know someone with a Nielsen Box who plans to watch these two shows, burn their houses down. The sooner these shows are canceled, the sooner we can watch the “Law & Order” episode of “Community.”
The Middle (ABC) — Instead of “Whitney,” give “The Middle” a shot if you haven’t already. Every other episode is pretty good; maybe you’ll catch it on a good night. What I can guarantee is that it will be better than “Whitney.” Seriously, in tonight’s episode, Whitney comes home and unexpectedly and catches Alex masturbating. No one wants to see that.
Suburgatory (ABC) — If, like me, you’re having “Cougar Town” withdrawals, Dan Byrd (who plays Travis on “CT”) shows up, and Tessa confuses him for gay when in fact he’s pulling a “21 Jumpstreet.”
Happy Endings (ABC) — What I’m saying is, watch ABC tonight. Also, Michael McKean shows up as Dave’s father, who will introduce his new girlfriend, Penny’s mother (a.ka., Megan Mulally, a.k.a., Tammy #2)
The People’s Choice Awards (CBS) — The “People’s Choice Awards” are, fittingly, on CBS, because the people love CBS. And by people, I mean your parents. At least they might get a small thrill out of the host Kaley Cuoco, who I can’t hate even though she’s on “The Big Bang Theory” (the show I care least about on television. Don’t hate it. Don’t like it. It just is).
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Dolly Parton is on Dave, Liam Neeson is on Leno, Yvonne Strahovski is on Kimmel, Jack McBrayer is on Conan, and Rosie O’Donnell is on Fallon. Also check out primary election coverage on “The Daily Show” (with Senator Jim DeMint) and “The Colbert Report” (with George Stephanopoulos).