Top of the Lake (Sundance, 9 p.m.) — Series premiere. Mondays get a lot less awful with this new intriguing sounding six-part miniseries, about a detective (Mad Men‘s Elisabeth Moss) who, along with a guru (Holly Hunter), gets embroiled in a case involving a missing teenager in New Zealand. I bet Xenu did it.
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Season premiere. This year’s celebrity dancers include Andy Dick, D.L. Hughley, Jacoby Jones, Wynonna Judd, and Kellie Pickler. No JVDB, no care.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Robin wants Barney to sell his “bachelor pad,” a term I’ve only heard spoken on TV, like “no, YOU’RE out of order” and “you have two weeks to live.”
Mike & Molly (CBS, 9:30 p.m.) — “Samuel and Carl try to meet women by hosting a St. Patrick’s Day party.” Timely.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10 p.m.) — Series premiere. This is the prequel to Psycho, from Carlton Cuse and starring Freddie Highmore and Vera Farmiga. The twist: mother and son live happily ever after and Bates Motel becomes — spoiler alert — the Motel 6 chain we tolerate when Holiday Inn is booked today.
Burning Love (E!, 10 p.m.) — If you haven’t already, listen to Burning Love‘s Ken Marino do his Nina Simone impression on last week’s Comedy Bang Bang. It’s — and I don’t say this lightly — f*cking transcendent, brah.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Selena Gomez and Killer Mike on Letterman; Morgan Freeman on Leno; Jennifer Love Hewitt and Steven Yeun on Kimmel; Seth Green on Ferguson; and Nic Cage and Mike Birbiglia on Fallon.