Dancing with the Stars (ABC) – Now that Kristin Cavallari and Elisabetta Canalis have been voted off, I assume viewers of this show will go back to their usual Monday night plans of hiding in the bushes outside fitness centers and throwing ham at yoga instructors.
Terra Nova/House (FOX) – They should do an episode of “House” where the team tries to figure out why I don’t give a crap about “Terra Nova.”
Hart of Dixie (CW) – When this show was announced, I COULD NOT BELIEVE I hadn’t come up with the idea first. A one-hour drama about an attractive young doctor who is taken out of her element and forced to adapt to new surroundings while finding love with a mysterious local? With a title that is a pun based on the lead character’s name? Starring Rachel Bilson from “The O.C.”? That’s pitch is so Danger Guerrero they might as well have had Boyz II Men sing the theme song. Then I looked through all my TV pitches and realized I DID come up with it, just way further south and with a dude in the lead role. Crisis averted.
Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!) – The TWO HOUR second part of the Kim Kardashian wedding special. People who watch this show should be rounded up and shot out of a cannon two at a time into some sort of… um, poop… slime… canyon. Admittedly I haven’t thought this one through all the way. Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out once I get to Poop Slime Canyon.
Five (Lifetime) – A breast cancer special featuring five short films, including one directed by Jennifer Aniston. Look, I like Jennifer Aniston. I have defended Jennifer Aniston. I support things that raise awareness about cancer prevention. But when most of the country views you as a sad lady who will always be unlucky in love, the phrase “directing a Lifetime special” ain’t helping.