Survivor: Philippines (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Before Gillian Jacobs vs. Alison Brie, there was Lisa Welchel vs. Nancy McKeon on “The Facts of Life.” Nancy always won, but let’s just hope that, in 20 years, neither Jacobs nor Brie ends up like Welchel, a reborn Christian stooping to what would then be the 65th season of Survivor. From the looks of the header image, it also looks like she got a reverse nose job. Tonight kicks off with a 90-minute episode that will also feature former San Francisco Giant second-baseman, Jeff Kent, as one of this season’s contestants.
Royal Pains (USA, 9 p.m.) — Royal Pains signs off for its fourth season with a very special episode in which Hank will treat someone wearing a bikini.
Big Brother (CBS, 9:30 p.m.) — Someone will yell, and someone will probably cry, and then someone will emerge the winner of $500,000 which he or she will undoubtedly blow trying to jumpstart a professional acting career that will never happen. Hooray!
Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.) — It’s the second-to-last episode, which I hope means that the regular Top Chef will be back in a few weeks. On tonight’s episode, the remaining contestants guide culinary students through dish making.
The Grey (Netflix, Anytime) — There’s not much on worth watching tonight, so head on over to Netflix and watch Liam Neeson’s surprisingly decent, but very bleak, The Grey. It will bum your ass out, but it’s much better than the adverts earlier this year suggested.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Michael Strahan shows up on Dave, Amy Poehler does Leno (why, Amy? Why?), Julie Bowen is on Kimmel, Sophia Bush sits down with Ferguson, Maya Rudolph and Elmo are on Fallon, and Jon Stewart has … Pink?