South Park/Key & Peele (Comedy Central) – As we discussed yesterday, tonight’s finale is titled “Obama Wins!” So… nailed it.
Top Chef (Bravo) – Season premiere. You should hear me shout at the television during this show. It’s totally out of hand. Between Top Chef and Chopped I bet I spend 50 hours a year ranting and raving about people I do not know improperly preparing food I will never eat. I am a deranged individual.
Modern Family (ABC) – Haley gets arrested for underage drinking on tonight’s episode. I am sure Claire will react in a normal and sane way that doesn’t involve a death stare where her eyeballs protrude from their sockets a full half-inch. That woman’s blood pressure must be constantly hovering around 500/350.
The Voice (NBC) – There is literally nothing Cee Lo could wear tonight that would surprise me. He could walk out wearing nothing but a wooden barrel — like a cartoon poor person — and I would still think about it for a second or two and say, “Sounds about right.”
Arrow (The CW) – From TV Guide: “Oliver is arrested for murder and demands that Laurel represent him in court. Later, Oliver recalls a confrontation on the island with Deathstroke.” I have not seen any of this show, but let me state for the record that I never want to have a confrontation on an island with anyone named Deathstroke. Not even once.
My Life Is A Lifetime Movie (Lifetime) – On tonight’s episode, a mother becomes sexually involved with her son’s friend. Big whoop. Julie Cooper slept with her daughter’s ex-boyfriend, which is even worse. Step your game up, Lifetime.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: The freshly controversial Brian Williams in on Letterman; Carrie Fisher and RZA are on Ferguson; Daniel Craig and Dave Salmonin are on Leno; Kristen Stewart, Pharrel, and the Amazing Kreskin are on Fallon; Nate Silver is on The Daily Show; and Russell Brand and Dave Attell are on Conan.