‘Twas the night before the draft and all through the league, not a player was safe, not even Jeff Teague. Yeah so we were pretty close to writing this entire edition of Smack in rhyme. That would’ve been a disaster (we’re already not crazy about that opening). But anyway, yes it is that time of year again – that last 24 hours where every GM gets all polished up, floats almost every player on their roster and lies to the media about it. We think it’s all pretty awesome, especially with the added pressure of the lockout. This may be the last time there’s a good amount of player movement, with all the financial uncertainty for 2012 and beyond, so let us relish in the excitement of rumors: Steve Nash to Minny for the No. 2 overall? Tony Parker for a lottery pick? Gasol for Kevin Love and Derrick Williams? Love it. Love it. Love it (Well not really the trades, but the idea of the trades). Basically, if your name hasn’t popped up somewhere, it means no one really cares about you. The Bucks and Bobcats have opened up all of their phone lines (and their Skype accounts) to get offers on their first rounders (Charlotte probably only after MJ got a text on the 17th hole in-between cigar puffs asking if he knew the draft was just a day away.), while the Cavs announced today they are standing pat. They will pick from both their No. 1 and No. 4 spots. But who’ll it be? Irving and Kanter? Williams and Knight? Kanter and Kemba? If Dan Gilbert could do us a favor and write a little note with some idea about who he’s picking, maybe we’ll only have to take two Tums before bed tonight. And if that note could be in Comic Sans, that would be great. Thanks … So what have you heard? Because right now, we’ve heard everyone’s going just about everywhere (how about a swap of Lamar Odom and some change for Andre Iguodala? That’s the latest). This might be the first draft in forever that we (sort of) have two guys locked in, and then it’s mayhem after that. If the Jazz don’t pick a PG at number three, this means we will 1) shake our heads and realize we should stop gambling on everything, and 2) chalk up the Jimmer to Utah at No. 12. With Gordon Hayward and Jimmer on the floor at once, EnergySolutions Arena during hoops season suddenly becomes the best place in America to pick up Mormon girls on a Wednesday night. That is, if there is a good place in America to pick up Mormon girls on a Wednesday. We’ve heard the Jimmer and his 35-foot J getting picked everywhere from Sacramento to Indiana, from Charlotte to New York. We like him for the Knicks and D’Antoni and all the open threes he’ll get from ‘Melo doubles in the high post. This will also ensure that NY will have non-defenders at at least three positions on the floor. Exciting … Incredibly, the Spurs are not only shopping Tony Parker (predictable) but now George Hill (incredulous). So the most unathletic team in the league is thinking about trading their most athletic player for a draft pick? No way the Spurs’ brass is this stupid … Zydrunas Ilgauskas exercised his player option, meaning he probably won’t retire. If you thought he was a mummy for the final two months this season, wait until next year when Miami brings him back just to please LeBron as Big Z will look like a lantern all year from the bench … Yahoo! Sports has cited league sources’ in their report that the Minnesota Timberwolves have fired coach Kurt Rambis. Rambis may not have won many games, he also may not have successfully implemented the triangle offense, but the dude had style. His locks and black-rimmed glasses (from his Laker days) have possibly inspired an entire generation of hipsters. Thanks for that Rambis, and thanks for the memories. You know what Minnesota should really do – since they have a fascination with making everything as unpredictable as possible? Just make David Kahn the head coach, then run with a lineup of Rubio, Flynn, Ridnour, Telfair and a 57-year-old Darrick Martin all at once … We’re out like Jimmer in the lottery.
Follow Dime Magazine on Twitter
Become a fan of Dime Magazine on Facebook
