This Week In Posters: Not Another Movie About Magician Bank Robbers

Looks like This Week in Posters is going alphabetical this week, which means we’re starting strong, with Amityville: The Awakening. Did you know this is the fourteenth Amityville movie? That’s what Wikipedia says, and they’re usually right about these things. Anyway, I think the Instagram theme works well here. When you think about it, “Looks haunted lol” has been the Amityville theme all along. TerrenceLives really cut it to the quick. Classic TerrenceLives.

I’ve often said in This Week in Posters that the “close-eyed headbutt,” where the film’s leads are depicted with closed eyes, touching foreheads is usually poster shorthand for love and yearning. It appears The Arbalest went with open-eyed leads touching the backs of their heads to evoke contempt. Makes a lot of sense, really. Incidentally, an “arbalest” is apparently a late variation on the crossbow. I’m not sure what that has to do with this, but if people are getting shot with crossbows, you’d think that’d be something they’d want to hint at in the poster.

Do you think baseball is more exciting if you have to watch it tilted sideways like the horizon line in this poster? Also, they maybe should’ve gone with a generic baseball for this, I thought this was a Rawlings ad at first. I’m still not convinced it’s not.

Wait wait wait — you guys, is Gods of Egypt going to be awesome? Because if this poster is any indication… count me in. It looks like an American adaptation of that Indian movie where a giant cobra made of robot men slithers around eating cars. I haven’t gotten a screening invite for this one, which makes me think the studio is ashamed of it. Where’s the boldness they had when they made this poster? A little of that goes a long way.

Casting directors, we need to have a talk. A little kid having way too much hair does not make that kid cuter, I promise. It just makes them look like child actors. Also, it’s kind of creepy. That giant mop head that every movie-ready wiener kid seems to have sort of feels like the child actor version of pigtails and a giant lollipop for a “barely legal” porn star. Let the kid have a regular hair cut. We’ll still know that he’s supposed to be cute, by all the precocious things he says.

Also, you’d think Bill Cobbs would get his name on the poster, seeing as how he seems to be 15 feet tall.

Have you ever noticed how much of Sacha Cohen’s comedy is crotch based? That’s not a criticism, just an observation.

We’ve been averaging at least one generic-looking sci-fi movie you’ve never heard of poster per week, and it looks like Half-Life is this week’s. Tom Sizemore and Dominic Monaghan? I’ve been waiting my whole life to read those words together!

I don’t know whether High-Rise will be any good, but the posters have been spectacular. And up until now, I didn’t even know Tom Hiddleston was in this movie. Damn, High-Rise, have you been smuggling Loki this whole time?!

Loki, Luke Evans looking like he’s about to film me pee, and James Purefoy back there smoking a pipe like a boss… my God, the abstract High-Rise posters were cool, but I’m a little upset with how much they’ve been holding out on me.

Oh hell yes. This looks so New Zealand that I’m going to have to watch it with a translator. I have no idea what’s going on in this, or why the people are standing in a tree, or why Sam Neill seems to be wearing some kind of belted flannel gown with his pants tucked into his boots. I assume it’s all a Kiwi thing. And I’m excited to be culture shocked. “Oh, thus? Yis, ut’s a flinnul shurt driss. Ut’s viry pupulir, hir, ull the min weer thum.”

There isn’t much to say about this poster other than that you’d be hard pressed to design a poster more dull than this one. This is like the Eagles deep cut of posters, the “Witchy Woman” of posters.

Which is a shame, because I love Matthias Schoenaerts. I bet he’d get more work and acclaim if he wasn’t completely unrecognizable in every role. It’s actually kind of amazing. Like, you’d never guess this was the same guy from Far From The Madding Crowd and Bullhead, and his only disguise is an earpiece.

You guys, Mark Ruffalo is trapped in a glass case of emotion! Wait, scratch that! Mark Ruffalo is trapped in a glass case of sparkle motion!

Man, can you believe they’re making a sequel to Now You See Me, the movie about bank-robbing magicians? And it’s coming out in June, meaning it’s being positioned as a Summer blockbuster. What a world. Also, Mark Ruffalo looks like he’s trying to tweak his own nipples in the mirror.

Michael Caine has his “Michael Caine doesn’t have time for this sh*t” face on here, and it suits the project. I like to imagine that the production had to fly to wherever Michael Caine was on vacation, and have him quickly shoot his lines before his lobster got cold.

Magicians wear long coats and fur shawls. I’m surprised you didn’t know that. This isn’t all of the Now You See Me 2 character posters, by the way. There’s another one with Dave Franco.

Is that a fox’s head on a dragon?! Oh, Pete, you sure have some goofy ideas about dragons. It’s like you’ve never even seen the 10 other children’s movies about dragons.

Boy, look at that bandanna billow. It’s not a Michael Bay production without gratuitous billowing, I always say. Also, you know, for a group of people that’s known for creeping silently, ninjas sure do seem to wear a lot of decorative tassels.

“Yo, dude, I don’t want to tell you how to be a ninja, but that kimono belt? It’s probably not very good for holding up your cutoff shorts. Also, is that a two-stripe white belt? Give me back those sais, you’re going to poke your eye out.”

Also, what’s with all the tape? Are these ninjas or mummies?

This, if you’ll remember, is the movie for which Richard Gere spent 45 minutes pretending to be homeless and it changed his whole perspective on sh*t. I imagine it’s very powerful.

This series of Triple 9 posters is a lot better than the last batch. They’re still black and white and red like a White Stripes concert, but at least these have some negative space.

It feels like Woody Harrelson has been making that exact face for 10 years. Also, who is that lady on the right? Is that Celine Dion?

If you scroll down and just look at the bottom, it looks like Alex Pettyfer is playing Elvis and Johnny Knoxville is playing Nixon, and now I want to see that movie.

Talk about a fish out of water! A raw fish out of water, even! (Sorry, I know this probably isn’t Japanese, but I need that play on words to happen.) Also, what is this movie called? I read it as “With A Weekend Family The.” How many different fonts do you need on the same poster? This just feels greedy.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.