This New Keurig Soda Machine Lets You Make 33¢ Coke For $370

Not content with providing overpriced and environmentally devastating coffee to the world, Keurig has now expanded into the overpriced and environmentally devastating soda market. Just today, they released the Keurig Kold soda dispenser.

And while Keurig is problematic in many ways — from the company’s shady (and sometimes stupid) business tactics, to the environmental devastation caused by your eight discarded K-Cups every day — we’re here to focus on cost. Because even if the Keurig Kold’s K-Cups evaporated into water vapor that smelled like cinnamon rolls after use, and Coke donated a high five to a Syrian refugee for every purchase, this machine would still be the worst financial decision behind every timeshare purchased ever.

Let’s do a little math [author’s note: I was an English major, so this should be an adventure for everyone involved]:

  • The Keurig Kold retails at $369.99 (round up to $370)
  • A Coke K-Cup will sell for between $1.12 and $1.25 (round to $1).
  • A six pack of Coke sells for $1.98 at Wal*Mart. (round up to $2) for $.33 per 12 ounce serving.

According to those numbers, you would have to drink 1121 Keurig Kold Cokes just to break even on the cost of that machine. But, since each Coke K-Cup also costs a dollar, that would mean you had to spend an additional $1121 to get there (not to mention the medical bills and mobility scooter rental costs associated with drinking 1121 Cokes). And $1121 buys a lot of of Wal*Mart Cokes.

To be fair, the Keurig was never meant to be economical; they are designed to be convenient. But, this begs the question: does America really need more convenient access to soda? Judging by America’s obesity and diabetes rates, we already track down sugar water fairly well on our own.

Perhaps, in the interest of national health, we should continue buying our soda at Wal*Mart. At least the trip will provide some amount of physical exertion, even if that exertion only comes from squeezing ourselves into the store-provided Rascal.