The Most Delightful Burns From Vanity Fair’s Scorched Earth Review Of Trump Grill

Donald Trump is our president-elect. He also owns hotels and has some real estate and a winery, in case you hadn’t heard. He’s got a taco salad-serving restaurant too and the Yelp reviews are… mixed. You can’t really go off of the score, because Trump Grill’s Yelp page plays host to lots of people imitating Trump’s writing style while trashing the place, but there’s no shortage of feedback from people who actually seem to have eaten there:

Since we all love a good burn fest, Vanity Fair ran a review by Tina Nguyen this morning. It was, as you might imagine, unkind — a piece that makes you giddy to read because it’s so wonderfully harsh. Trump, of course, didn’t respond because he’s more focused on running a divided nation and —

Naaaaaah, of course he responded. Anyway, as strange as it is to joke about Trump when so many people feel real and sincere fear about his presidency, this review was pretty funny. The best lines are assembled for you below:

As my companions and I contemplated the most painless way to eat our flaccid, gray Szechuan dumplings with their flaccid, gray innards…

Daaaaaaaaamn, coming in hot! Our own Vince Mancini has already elaborated on how adjectives like this are the best food disses in the writer’s toolbox. Add an impotence metaphor, with the word “flaccid” repeated twice in one sentence? Tina Nguyen is not F-ing around today, folks.

The restaurant features a stingy number of French-ish paintings that look as though they were bought from Home Goods.

This is actually my favorite burn from the whole piece because I totally get how people who pick the wrong old-art to love actually seem like they got stuck with a bunch of generic stuff out of a catalog called “Fine Living Essentials,” while the person with a good eye who picked up a shabby painting of a Tyrolean farmer at a swap meet ends up getting praised at partied like a freaking art historian.

I could see Trump being the sort whose restaurant spent real money on pieces that look like cheap reproductions… although they might also just be cheap reproductions.

The bathrooms transport diners to the experience of desperately searching for toilet paper at a Venezuelan grocery store.

This is a deep cut reference to shortages at Venezuelan stores and included a link to a Vice story. That’s next level, when your burns require someone to watch a mini-doc.

The dumplings, for instance, come with soy sauce topped with truffle oil, and the crostini is served with both hummus and ricotta, two exotic ingredients that should still never be combined.