North Korea is not a fan of television or cinema that has not been directly approved by their regime. In fact, just watching the South Korean version of All My Children can subject you to the mercy of a firing squad, and it’s not because dictator Kim Jong-un dislikes the program; he just believes there can be no replacement for Susan Lucci and all Lucci dissenters shall be properly disciplined!
As North Korea has gone ahead and cancelled The Interview (Christmas will be next), here’s a list of other shows and movies that “Great Successor” Kim Jong-un may want to unleash the hounds on. (Note: due to the many monikers that Mr. Supreme Galactic Master Chief has, please excuse my confusion regarding what to properly call him throughout this piece.)
World War Z
I’m torn abut whether or not Kim Jong-un would be upset by one of the developments in the cinematic version of Max Brooks’ World War Z. In the book and film, North Korea goes all radio silence when the infection begins spreading, but in Marc Forster’s adaptation of the book, it’s revealed the The Great Leader has enacted the ultimate, foolproof zombie deterrent: he’s removed all of the citizens’ teeth.
I think he’d be against the film because he’s so friggin’ insane that he’d actually do this, but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’d actually do it. The reason he’d like this film is the same: he’d actually do it.
Stealth
There’s one good reason for Kim Jong-un to hate this actioner starring failed leading man experiment Josh Lucas, and it’s because it reeks of stale farts, and not the kind that would so lovingly be appreciated if Jessica Biel were the perpetrator of such offenses. This bloated, big-budget mess features Biel’s character falling out of the sky and landing in North Korea, where she is hunted by the Korean People’s Army until Josh Lucas and his intelligent fighter jet sidekick come to the rescue.
Kim Jong-un does not like planes with brains. For one, it’s a phrase that rhymes, and any phrase that doesn’t rhyme with “Supreme Leader” is banned. And there is no “two” — because Mr. Optimal-Perfect-Human-Person does not appreciate successive integers.
The Big Bang Theory
Alleging that all North Koreans are spies interested in stealing our nuclear secrets is quite the stereotype, but it’s one that a season three episode of The Big Bang Theory — “The Staircase Implementation” — puts to use. In this one, Leonard Hofstadter gets involved with a North Korean woman, Joyce Kim (no relation to Mr. Dragonborn-Voltron-Galaxy-Sword-Trainer, right?), who is more interested in stealing his formula for rocket fuel than having a romantic interlude.
Die Another Day
The final film with Pierce Brosnan playing James Bond is also one of the silliest Bond films in recent memory. Besides ice palaces, space lasers, and DNA restructuring, the film features Bond bedding Halle Berry’s character in about 30 seconds flat, and with minimal dialogue — it’s kind of awesome and devastating at the same time because reality’s laws do not apply to Mr. Bond. Oh, and there’s the opening which relays to us that Bond was captured and tortured for 14 months by North Korean forces, and they basically got nothing out of it.
Mr. Fearless-Supreme-Being-Leader-Of-Universe-Space-Master would not approve of this! Kim’s torture game goes hard in the paint, son!
Archer
If North Korea can threaten The Interview out of existence, then why hasn’t it turned its cyber-terrorism-stink-eye towards Archer? The FX show has hilariously skewered the communist country. In the season 4 episode “The Honeymooners,” Archer and Lana go on the offensive against a group of North Koreans who want to purchase enriched uranium, for, you know, blowing sh*t up.
One amazing scene has a North Korean baddie yelling “Tar-tarrr! HOI-sin!” (two Asian culinary sauces) before physically engaging, and another has Archer stating his belief that North Koreans believe cameras are evil because they can steal your soul. Which, as everyone knows, is only an ability inherent to Mr. Exceptionally-Gifted-Animal-Spirit-God.
30 Rock
When 30 Rock was in its prime, it was an untouchable juggernaut of hilarity. Not only did Kim Jong-il show up as a weatherman in one segment, but following the death of the previous Supreme-Ultimate-Warrior-Champion, Jong-il appears as a waiter in the U.S. and apparently only Liz Lemon is privy to this when she stumbles upon his services. Kim — in proper self-serving fashion — declares himself “the greatest waiter of all-time.” Miss you, 30 Rock.
Team America: World Police
Sure, Kim Jong-il — in puppet form — gets killed in Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s brilliant parody of American action films (just one of many topics targeted), but apparently North Korea didn’t get so offended by this one that they had a bunch of cyber jerks target the institution that brought us Playstation.
I guess it’s okay to murder the effigy of Mr. Super-Great-Amazing-King-Man, but when flesh and blood is involved, the hackers be comin’ a-hacking. Wait…what’s this…I’m getting something in my earpiece here — Paramount has just cancelled all theater showings of Team America: World Police. Someone give me my country back.
