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With one of the last summer weekends nearing its conclusion, I, like many of you, sat back on my couch to watch the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards. The first thing I needed to do was find MTV. This proved to be one of the hardest things I had attempted all weekend, seeing as how I can’t even tell you the last time I watched the channel. But I found it. A sigh of relief echoed across the cushions of my couch.
Thanks to social media, I had felt a nagging urge to watch the awards show, although I couldn’t really figure out why. Was I watching because I wanted to see who won, because I wanted to see what kind of antics Miley would pull, because I wanted to see the performances, or because I’m a genius and wanted to save Sunday night’s Bachelor in Paradise for Monday so I get a full four hours of it instead of two, two-hour episodes a day apart? Several hours later, and I’m still not sure.
And, actually, I now have even more questions about the Video Music Awards, questions I’m not sure I even want to know the answers to. I narrowed down my list of questions to 10 because, at some point, I need to get on with my life.
1) Shouldn’t YouTube, Vevo, or Vimeo be hosting the Video Music Awards now?
I honestly feel like the whole MTV doesn’t even show music videos anymore gag was run into the ground years ago. So, how are they still able to pull this off? If it was the Shows About Teen Pregnancy Awards, then yeah, MTV would have a legitimate case for holding them. But this is like if ESPN stopped showing sports, yet still hosted the ESPYs. I’m assuming most people watch music videos on either YouTube or Vimeo these days, and, if I were an executive at either of those companies, I’d be making a case for snagging the idea of an awards show for music videos from MTV starting today.
2) Have Taylor Swift and her Swift Squad tipped?
Besides looking like the blandest bunch of wildly attractive gals ever assembled this side of Dr. Evil’s Fem-Bots, I for one am starting to get a little tired of their whole shtick. It’s cool, Tay-Tay. You have friends. That’s awesome. So do I. You know where my friends don’t go with me? Everywhere. Sometimes I go places by myself. Sometimes I go places with my darling wife. The Swift Squad is starting to look like it takes its cues from Entourage. And just like Entourage, it’s getting kind of stale. Switch it up, ladies! Independence is dope.
3) Was the Nicki Minaj/Miley dust up for reals?
I think it depends on who you ask. But we can all agree that it was entertaining. A fun little dose of WWE is never a bad thing.
4) Was The Weeknd’s performance a last-minute addition?
I only ask because, based solely on what I think the production budget was for his performance ($48), it certainly seemed like a last-minute addition. Nothing but The Weeknd, rocking out solo on a bare stage. If this was a production of a Samuel Beckett play, then sure, that all makes sense. But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. If Nicki Minaj’s performance was Las Vegas, The Weeknd’s was one of those dusty small towns 100 miles outside of Vegas. Something doesn’t add up here.
5) How did Rebel Wilson’s police strippers bit get past MTV execs?
Or the producers? Or someone’s publicist who might have casually overheard her rehearsing? Or one of her friends who Rebel told the idea to? Or the cue card guy? Or the cue card guy’s buddy who the cue card told the joke to? Or a janitor who was cleaning the bathroom when Rebel walked in, went to leave and Rebel was all like, Don’t worry about it, I’ll only be a minute, so the janitor stayed and while there, witnessed Rebel practicing the bit in the mirror? I’m just assuming that everyone let this one slip, because that’s literally the only excuse for her being allowed to do that bit.
6) Does an award show lose some of its luster when the same handful of artists are nominated for nearly every award?
Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar, Ed Sheeran, Beyonce, and Nicki Minaj were all nominated in nearly every major category. The VMAs were essentially the last rounds of a fantasy football draft. There are three or four players worth taking, everyone else is just there to be passed over. I’m looking at you, random running back from the Jaguars.
7) What will President West do to address our country’s crumbling infrastructure?
Roads, Kanye. Concentrate on the roads. My car jumped a pothole the size of Wisconsin on my drive in this morning, and I live in a state where the majority of our bridges are “structurally deficient.” I like my bridges “structurally okay” at the very least.
8) Kanye lighting round!
Kanye, how do you feel about Mr. Robot? And did you know it’s only 10 episodes?
Kanye, how do you feel about #Deflategate?
Kanye, do you think the Nicki/Miley dust up was real?
You’re right. Who cares?
9) Is Miley Cyrus’ new song kind of offensive to hippies?
Actually, I think I can answer this one, or at least try to: Yes, it kind of is. Hippies get a bad rap. It’s not just about loving peace and smoking weed. Hippies do other stereotypical hippie things like hug trees, refrain from use deodorant, rage on Phish bootlegs and keep trying to bring Birkenstocks back. Don’t shortchange the hippies, Miley. Not cool.
10) Is Justin Bieber fly?
Nope. But that doesn’t mean he can’t fly. It also means he thought he’d show solidarity with the stagehands working the event by dressing up like them. His people were all like, Hey, JB. This suede jacket is pretty dope. You should wear that. But Biebs was all like, You know what’s dope? Stagehands. I shall support them by dressing like one of them.
So, let this be a lesson to you fine people who chose to mercilessly knock Biebs. He cares for the working man. Their struggle is the struggle that’s real. You know, the struggle people refer to when they so nonchalantly say “the struggle is real.” Hey, maybe that’s what he was crying about.
They’re just, like, trying so hard to make me fly. I like, totes couldn’t fly on my own. This is for the guys backstage. I love you guys.
Well, looks like we solved that mystery.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AS4o8hYVU10&feature=youtu.be