As a society, we look to Chicago-born power pop group OK Go for delightfully playful and unique music videos that contain treadmill dancing and Rube Goldberg devices, but what if we turned to them to guide us in our journey back from the edge of sanity following this ragey election? Especially if the results winding up being less than ideal for all you [UNBIASED FILLER] supporters out there. Well, they’d actually be the perfect salve.
“Get Over It”
Relevant for more than the fact that this video looks like it was filmed at your local polling place, the message is perhaps the most important one to keep in your heart on election day, because no matter the result, just get over it. Yes, your vote matters and to the victor go the keys to the kingdom, but to be honest, the sun will still rise tomorrow. No president is as bad as they’re made out to be by their opponent during the campaign. I promise you, she’s not the devil and he’s not the anti-christ. Will they each suck in their own unique way? You betcha, and congress is going to play weird head games no matter what, like hiding a Supreme Court nominee in a coat room or shutting down the government. Thing is, the only thing we can do about all of that has been done, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the many distractions available to you while you wait for your next turn at bat.
“You’re So Damn Hot”
Sex is good. Have you heard? Stupendous stress reliever and a great way to make a human connection after a month spent pantslessly shouting at your Twitter feed in between stressing about the projections on FiveThirtyEight.com. If you don’t have a f*ck buddy or significant other, why not hit Tinder or Grindr and try to fill the void caused by the electoral college with meaningless sexy sex? Beats the hell out of watching Wolf Blitzer repeat himself like a confused grandpa for the next three days.
“Invincible”
Denial is a luscious little cocktail. I use it to justify bad financial and nutritional choices, but if you like, you can sure get over the election by pretending that everything is exactly how you hoped it would be. Pot’s legal (it’s not) and he or she is not YOUR president (yes, he or she is)! Assuming you can avoid social media and discussing current events at family gatherings and other social functions, the only time you actually need to mention the President is when you’re recovering from a head wound. So strap on a helmet and enjoy living within your own delusion.
“A Million Ways”
This one has nothing to do with the title of the song. I just think depressing election results are yet another reason why you should pursue highly choreographed backyard dancing as a hobby.
“Do What You Want”
This isn’t a call to revolt or accept true anarchy, but you deserve a controlled burn. Pull down the shades, strip, break out the Moscato wine and the Wii! Sing karaoke with your cat! Run with scissors (safety scissors that are pointed down #UproxxCares)! Hell, become a creepy wallpaper breakdance man. You’re the President of your own little world and no one can stop you from making your living room great again, not even swing state voters.
“WTF”
Be mad, be outraged, jump up and down, shout WHAT THE F*CK… but keep it all inside. No tantrums or uprisings, boo boo. Like REM says, “everybody hurts but don’t be a dick about your pain and make everyone else’s life intolerable.” It’s possible I’m expounding on the original lyrics, but the point carries.
“GPS Parade (Back From Kathmandu)”
Travel! See the world! Move to Canada like you told your friends you were going to.
“Here It Goes Again”
While most of us have felt our souls gradually slipping free of their fleshy casings through the course of this depressing and distressing campaign, some actually enjoy roasting marshmallows in front of the dumpster fire, so this will delight you: No matter the result, it’s not nearly over. These campaigns are demonic treadmills that gain their power through supernatural means and never, ever stop. So instead of crying in a corner, you may as well jump back on and dance, dance, dance toward the next revolution. Soon, there will be another candidate and another election.
“I Won’t Let You Down”
There’s no rule that says your political hero needs to be President. Find someone else from your party who won (because losers, am I right?) and make them the new sun in your sky. Maybe they’ll even run for President someday.
“The Writing’s On The Wall”
I need to keep it real (so real) for a moment: Being on the wrong side of an election sucks. It’s not just a rejection of your candidate but also your ideas and, in some cases, your values. But, and hear me out, what if you and your candidate are an asshole? No one ever considers the possibility but in the moments after a national referendum on how things should and shouldn’t be run, it might be a good time to do a quick check to determine if maybe you should reconsider your take on a few things. I’m not saying you should pull an instant 180, but maybe do some research. You never know… maybe you’ve been a secret conservative or down low liberal this whole time.
“Don’t Ask Me”
I heart you conveniently placed article closer. Seriously, despite the words up there, I really have no idea what you should do if you’re bummed by the election day results, though if you voted for the candidate I didn’t vote for, I might advise you to go [RADIO EDIT].
We have fun. Anyway, that was me no longer “acting, so friendly.” Truly, don’t ask me.
