Every now and then a commenter will rise from the ranks of the internet comments toilet bowl after demonstrating that he’s one of the biggest, baddest turds around, a floater that simply can’t be flushed, and attention must be paid. PFT Commenter is such an unflushable turd. You’ve probably read his scorching HOT TAKES at places like our football humor site, Kissing Suzy Kolber and SB Nation. And while he usually reserves his white-hot commentary for football, there are times when he simply cannot not weigh in with an opinion on something. Today’s net neutrality ruling by the FCC is such a time.
Well folks I guess it was bound to happen. We’ve had a great run over the passed couple years, living in what future generatons will know simply as “The Golden Age of Takes” but thats all come to a end thanks to Obamas activist FCC.
The FCC voted 3-2 to basicaly shut down the internet today by reclassifying the internet as a utility which means the goverment runs the internet now. Yes the same goverment that does such a good job of making you wait for minutes at the DMV and peacefully transferring power on 44 consecutive occasons is somehow suppose to run the internet? You’ll have to forgive me if I’m skeptical folks. The internet should be run by private organizatons with much better records of customer satisfacton like Time Warner, Comcast, and the Chinese company that put anthrax in dog food.
Lets call this for what it is folks- a power play by the Unided States government to take control of 99% of the worlds pornography and cat picture supplys. The goverment is now your one stop shop for the stuff you look at to jerk off and the stuff you pull up immedately afterwards so it doesnt look like you were just jerking off. Thats called a vertical monopoly folks and its against the law- what are they going to invest in old tube socks and vaseline to? I might be dumb but Im not stupid.
What is net neutrality?
Net Neutrality was created by people with the weakest takes to insure that there mealy mouth claptrap gets seen by just as many people as stronger, more entertaning takes. It ensures that someone who writes a meandering thourough explanaton of why ISIS has been expanding is guarenteed the exact same amount of traffic as a much better article called “Everything i need to know about Muhammed I learned on 9/11, libs.” Online used to be a competition, and Net neutrality is handing out participaton trophies to anyone with a keyboard and a keister. Its turning internet warfare into internet welfare folks.
If we operated the internet like our founding fathers intended, the telecom giants would be able to pull the plug on the lamest takes online. Thats there right since they technicaly own the internet anyways. Its like if your hosting a open-mic night, your more than welcome to shut down the 25 year old kid with a banjo and horn rim glasses after one song and basicaly turn his mic off when he complains. You dont like it? Then go host your own open mic night/lay millions of yards of fiberoptic cables across the country and get legislated into certan zip codes. I think internet companys should be aloud to charge more money for someone trying to show of how good they read by lingering on a 6,000 word essay in the Atlantic, and charge less money for someone who just wants to read misattributed quotes about vaccines on there cousins facebook page.
Instead our nations “politicians” want to promote the idea that the internet is some sort of dreamworld where everyone should be equal. But lifes not fair sometimes and the sooner we teach our kids that the better off they’ll be. We should be doing as many things as possible to explicitly show our kids that life is sometimes bad instead of trying to fix the bad things themselfs, because dealing with bad stuff is good for you because it makes you happier in the long run from knowing you dealt with bad stuff.
What does net neutralty mean for Internet Commenters?
Folks I call it “Net Neuter-ality” now that ballsy takes are essentially broad banned.
Anyone whose opened a texbook can tell you the whole concept of neutrality didnt exactly work out so well for Sweeden. These new sets of laws are basically a flashing Neon sign begging Nazi germany to invade our websites and I wont stand for it. Comment sections have been, and should continue to be, the opposite of neutralty. Its trench warfare and net neutralty will castrate all of our takes and turn the net into no Mans land. If we classify the internet as a utilty are we going to have a jackbooted meter reader knocking on your door and telling you to knock it off with all the Heather Brooke videos? Are we going to have literal PC Police Officers with a gun and badge in the comment section virtually arresting people if there takes are too strong? The only solution will be to arm all internet commenters so they can protect themselves against illegal search and seizure.
Fortunately we can fight back. One fun way to do this is by voting with our pocketbooks. We can support good old fashion companys like Comcast who are getting screwed over by the goverment by just paying a little more money than we owe just to be fair to them. There might not so-called “fast lanes” on the internet but that dosent mean we need to yield to the goverment. Instead give them the cold shoulder, because if every car on the information superhighway gets put in neutral, all your going to end up with is a traffic jam.