Giant-Dicked Jon Hamm Really Wishes All Of You Would Stop Talking About His Giant Dick

Editor-in-Chief
03.27.13 28 Comments

Seriously, is there a worst lot in life than that of the handsome, famous celebrity with a giant penis, especially when the whole world knows about said handsome, famous celebrity’s giant penis? Of course not. We mere mortals cannot even begin to comprehend such terribleness. How haunting such a burden must be — to go through life with such a shameful secret known by everyone. Such is the tragedy of big-dicked Mad Men star Jon Hamm.

Yes, Hamm, the subject of a new Rolling Stone cover story, is apparently PISSED about everyone talking about his elephantine schlong, telling the magazine that “it’s a little rude” and that “they’re called ‘privates’ for a reason.”

“I’m wearing pants, for f*ck’s sake. Lay off,” Hamm bitched to Rolling Stone. “I mean, it’s not like I’m a f*cking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal.”

Jon, bro, can we have a moment? First of all, thanks for alerting us to the Tumblr dedicated to your meat sword. We had no idea it existed. Secondly, we like you around here. I mean we REALLY like you. But now you’re pushing it. Just be gracious and laugh it off when the gargantuan vagina impaler thing comes up in interviews, and just don’t acknowledge it all otherwise, but don’t get pissy about world making “Jon Hamm has a big dick” jokes. There are few things less endearing. Christina Hendricks must be like, “Seriously, dude…you’re griping about people talking about YOUR private parts?!?!”

No, with that out of the way, I really hope my Hornets/Pelicans can sign Jon Hamm’s penis in free agency this summer. We could really use it at center. Robin Lopez just isn’t cutting it.

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