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50 Questions About The Disturbing Peloton Christmas Commercial

What is going on here?

Why is this woman so excited about getting a Peloton bike for Christmas?

Why didn’t she just get one when she first wanted one?

I mean, sure, at $2500 up front and $40 per month its not a small purchase for most people, but … [gestures to the beautiful modern home the couple lives in] … I assume they can afford splurges like this?

Has her husband been denying her the bike for some reason?

Is she not allowed to spend money or something?

Is that what’s happening here?

Is this some sort of dark short film about a controlling husband?

Or did he just, like, surprise his wife with an exercise bike for Christmas?

What kind of maniac would surprise their partner with an exercise bike on Christmas morning?

I mean, it appears to have worked, I guess, but really?

And, while this is admittedly less important given everything else we’re dealing with already… how did he even get this sucker into his living room without her noticing?

Was he dragging it up the sidewalk and over the landing and across the floor at like 4:30 AM, after they had already set up the tree with the other presents?

What if she had thought he was a robber?

What if she thought this was a Grinch situation where someone was popping into their house in the middle of the night to steal their presents?

What if she had shot him?

Could you make a decent argument that she’d be better off?

PELOTON

Do you see it?

Do you see the problem with this image?

PELOTON

WHY ARE THESE PARENTS FREAKING OUT ABOUT AN EXERCISE BIKE BEFORE THEIR DAUGHTER HAS OPENED A SINGLE PRESENT ON CHRISTMAS MORNING?

I mean, come on, right?

What kind of monsters are we dealing with here?

Would it even surprise you at this point to learn that this guy woke his daughter up in the middle of the night on Christmas and made her help him bring the godforsaken electronic bicycle into the house?

How much do you hate these people already?

So much, right?

PELOTON

What is happening here?

Why is she documenting her usage of this exercise bike?

Is he making her do this?

Are we back to this controlling thing where he was like “Prove to me that you’re using the expensive thing I bought you,” as though his wife is a child?

Do you think she spends every second of every training session thinking “I wish this were a real bike so I could pedal away from this hellscape of a life I’ve found myself in”?

Or is she legitimately excited about it?

If so… isn’t this starting to feel like a cult?

Look at her eyes… aren’t those the eyes of a person who is trapped by… something?

Ma’am, are you okay?

ARE YOU OKAY, MA’AM?

PELOTON

Why are some of her videos filmed in portrait mode and some in landscape?

Who is holding the camera in the landscape ones where she has both hands on the bike?

Is… is she making her daughter film her riding this Peloton?

What do you think that poor kid even got for Christmas, once she was finally allowed to open her presents, presumably after her parents took between five and one million selfies of themselves in front of the Peloton?

Probably classes in the A/V department at the local community college so she could help with the editing, huh?

PELOTON

Wait a second, the daughter is sitting at her desk in this one, which means it was filmed… with a tripod?

Is that what’s happening here?

Does this maniac have her phone set up landscape view on a freaking tripod to document her riding an exercise bike?

What the hell?

And then we find out that all of this was just to make a video to show her husband how much she loves her Peloton?

Like he doesn’t live in the house with her and see her drag herself out of bed at 6 AM to go ride it?

And this poor kid is left to color at her desk while all this is going on, with her dad getting her mom an exercise bike for Christmas and her mom going full-on Stockholm Syndrome about it all?

Do… do we need to save this kid?

Do we need to swoop in and give this kid a real Christmas where she gets to open presents before her unhinged parents?

What if the video the lady showed her husband had an extra five seconds of footage added in and she was like “Hmm, I was pretty sure it was 41 seconds, not 46,” and they kept watching to see what was there and after her part finished it cut to a shot of their daughter dumping gasoline on the Peloton in the driveway and then cackling like a supervillain as the flames melted the display and warped the metal beams until it became a mangled and twisted memory of her ruined childhood?

That would have been pretty cool.

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