The network sweeps period — and thus, the network television season — ends three weeks from tomorrow. “Mad Men” and “Game of Thrones” will end soon thereafter. It’s then that we enter the darkest period of the year for television viewers: The summer television season. It’s a brutal few months full of sixth-rate reality shows, reruns, and perhaps worst of all, “True Blood.” It’s during those three months when there’s little else beyond “Breaking Bad” in July to look forward to that many of us turn to the USA Network.
Here’s an interesting fact: Since “Psych” began airing in 2006, the USA Network hasn’t canceled a single original program. “Monk” left the air, but nothing else has bottomed-out in the ratings and failed to be renewed. Not only is the USA Network the highest rated cable network besides ESPN, the network has a remarkable track record. How do they manage it? Easy. Safe, middle-of-the-road formulaic programming, shows that many of us may not watch, but few actively turn their noses up at. They’re not great shows, but they hit a certain soft spot in our brains: We watch them, particularly during the summer months, because we aspire to little more than a light, breezy, self-contained hour-long drama with a minimum of hassle. It’s Summer Dumbening.
The eye candy doesn’t hurt. Indeed, the USA Network peoples its shows with attractive people that are no more hard on the eyes than the plots are on our brains. It’s simple stuff, and easy to look at.
Because the network makes Eye Candy such a integral part of their casting decisions, I think it’s fair game in this case to pass judgement. So, below, I offer you the USA Network’s 10 Original Programs ranked specifically in terms of eye candy, using the most attractive female and the most attractive male lead in each show as representatives.
10. In Plain Sight
Female: Mary McCormack
Male: Frederick Weller
9. Necessary Roughness
Female: Callie Thorne
Male: Mehcad Brooks
8. Royal Pains
Female: Reshma Shetty
Male: Paulo Costanzo
7. Common Law
Female: Sonya Walger
Male: Michael Ealy
6. Psych
Female: Maggie Lawson
Male: Dule Hill
5. Burn Notice
Female: Gabrielle Anwar
Male: Jeffrey Donovan
4. Covert Affairs
Female: Piper Perabo
Male: Christopher Gorham
3. Suits
Female: Meghan Markle
Male: Gabriel Macht
2. White Collar
Female: Tifanni Thiessen
Male: Matt Bomer
1. Fairly Legal
Female: Sarah Shahi
Male: Some Guy, Who Cares?
