The Angriest Staring Contests From ‘True Detective’ Season Two

Every so often, someone will edit an NFL game down to just football action. No commercials, no TV timeouts, no huddles, no halftime, only actual plays, which trims three hours down to a neat 11 minutes. That’s kind of how True Detective felt in its second season. But with staring.

Or to quote Frank, “You bang down my door for a staring contest?” Here’s my impression.

*stares* *continues staring* *eye twitches, but still stares*

Existence is a toilet, and we’re the piss.

*stares some more*

The dialogue and action happened between angry stares, not the other way around. It was the moody equivalent of scaring someone by unexpectedly jumping out of a closet; they were frightened more out of instinct than because you did anything chilling. My original plan was to see, of the Big Four (Ray Velcoro, Ani Bezzerides, Paul Woodrugh, and Frank Semyon), who spent the most time staring this season, but it was quickly apparent that Frank was the runaway winner. Instead, I kept track of all the furious, silent stare scenes, and who they were between.

There were other moments of intense gazing, often between Ani and Ray, but those don’t count, because they were more likely to lead to sex (which they did!) than murder.

Ray vs. questions about his son

Woodrugh vs. Lacey

Ani’s sister vs. Ani

Straight Woodrugh vs. gay Woodrugh

Osip vs. Frank

Frank vs. Ray

Woodrugh vs. wind

Everyone vs. everyone

Frank vs. water stains

Frank vs. Ray, part two

Ray vs. Ray’s dad

Frank vs. penis

Frank vs. Ray, part three

Stan vs. not dying

Frank vs. Santos

This guy vs. Frank

Frank vs. Roy from The Office

Woodrugh vs. Lacey, part two

Frank vs. the Mexicans

Woodrugh vs. his mom

Frank vs. Ray, part four

Ray vs. prisoner

Ray’s son vs. not watching Friends

Frank vs. the Mexicans, part two

Ani vs. BOB from Twin Peaks

Frank vs. Ray, part five

Nothing is f*cking vs. everything is f*cking

Frank vs. Blake

Woodrugh vs. blackmailing

Ray vs. Lenny

Frank vs. the Mexicans, part three