Thanks to the aggressive “strategery” of a large number of big box retailers, Thanksgiving has become little more than a tedious carbo-load before the real main event: Black Friday, a 30+ hour day of shopping, recklessness, bitter defeat, and quickly evaporating glory that now starts at around 6:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving night.
To mark this pseudo-holiday of commercialism, I have compiled a list of some of the best Black Friday comedy bits in the hope that laughing at Black Friday and yourselves will keep you from dislocating your shoulder while clawing for a Gilmore Girls DVD set and/or six-dollar wafflemaker.
Saturday Night Live’s “12 Minute Madness” Black Friday Ad
I’m a survivor who has fought on every side of this war. That guy in the front end of a Wal Mart that you’re screaming at because the lines are long at the registers? I’ve been that guy and I’ve been indifferent to your cries. I’ve also seen people get into a fist fight over a stroller and I’ve been driven mad by the savings as well. I once hobbled through three Targets with a walking boot on, only to unsuccesfully search for a flat-screen TV. I guess what I’m trying to say is that Saturday Night Live‘s take on Black Friday from 2010 is shockingly close to the horrifying reality.
Funny or Die’s “Black Friday Thanksgiving”
There is nothing truer in the “12 Minute Madness Sketch” than Anne Hathaway’s super-enthused warrior mom, but before that force of nature was unleashed on the world, she probably sounded a lot like Teri Hatcher’s righteous and ready mom character from the above FOD video. Screw giving thanks, we need a battle plan and stirring speeches from Independence Day and Patton.
Second City’s “How To Survive Black Friday”
Jo Scott takes Black Friday preparedness to another level with her Pam Gurney-Wattsbottom character in this Second City Network video that showcases both a break from reality and neat tips on how to become a Black Friday warlord.
Mad TV’s “Black Friday”
This may be the bleakest of all the bits, but it’s important to show you the possible consequences of Black Friday madness. Here, Crista Flanagan emerges from the flesh pile victorious. She has secured a Playstation 3, but it and she are blood covered, she has someone’s toe as a souvenir, and she is having a hard time dealing with the fact that she murdered and maimed to get her prize.
Funny or Die’s “Black Friday Orphans: The Musical”
The consequences of Black Friday madness can last for years if you aren’t careful. Here, a group of Black Friday orphans sing about how much they miss their moms and dads while playing with the toys that their parents got for them with their dying breaths.
Obviously, this is more than a bit extreme, but while you probably won’t commit a crime or die on Black Friday, you’ll probably never be the same. And that’s just something to think about today as you keep one eye on the oven timer and one eye on the door, eschewing the peace and tranquility of a glass of wine and a click of the mouse for the violent lawless hellscape that is a store on Black Friday.