Freedom Equals A Sizzler Buffet According To This Weird 1991 Promo Video

This fantastic and bizarre promo video from Sizzler would like to tell you about freedom and a quiet revolution that swept across America in the early 1990s. A time when both parents were working, people wanted quality goods for a reasonable price, and they wanted a home-cooked meal. Unfortunately, they had to settle for a pile of corn fritters and a chain restaurant/buffet place whose main virtue was a sundae bar with lackluster toppings. But the point is that back then you could choose between mini fried chicken drumsticks and taco meat that had a sandy consistency. And you could also choose between Sizzler and the bolo-tie bullsh*t over at Ponderosa.

To sell you on the wonders of Sizzler in a battle for food trough supremacy, the video calls upon a host of stock ’90s characters. We’ve got guy playing fetch with a dog that is dead now, Hard Hat, Tanya Tomboy, Captain Dave and someone else’s child, Sally’s mom and her new friend Brad, and guy in a Gene Kelly sailor costume. I can relate to all of these people, but none more than the lady who is too excited about unlimited ice cream.

Oh, lady-who-is-too-excited-about-unlimited-ice-cream, I’m 84% sure that you inspired the big-eyed people in Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” music video.

Real Talk: I used to go to a mall-adjacent Sizzler all the time when I was a boy. It was where I learned that moderation is for other people and that you get more value if you fill that fourth plate. Lessons that I have never forgotten. I was sad to see that most of the remaining Sizzlers are out west now, far from my reach. I miss them. Thank you *creepy whisper voice* Sizzler.