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KSK SEX & FANTASY FOOTBALL MAILBAG: BARFING AND BUTTSTUFF

There are lots of questions this week. Some of them are a bit graphic, so let’s get to it.

Trevor,

Congrats on taking up the mantle. You may not be Matt, and you may not be Sarah, but…what was I saying?

You were congratulating while simultaneously voicing your skepticism.

Anyway, relationship question. Been dating a wonderful woman for almost two years, could see this potentially going the distance. HOWEVA, I’m at an inflection point in my career where I need to do something different and am currently entertaining some options in just about every time zone in the U.S. How much weight should I give to her geographic preferences if an opportunity comes along that hits the sweet spot for me in all the other ways?

It’s best to make sure your list of worries is shorter than your list of things you’ve fucked up. Don’t spend too much time agonizing over what COULD happen. Keep applying to everything in your field, and if you get an offer that is perfect in every way minus a spot in the country that’s against your lady counterpart’s preference, that’s when it’s time to weigh your options as a couple. If you end up moving the two of you to a place where she’s miserable, you can count on it eating away at the fabric of your relationship. It’s possible that you get an offer so good that it significantly raises the quality of both your lives, and that might be worth living in a crappy part of your country for her.

As for football, not to ask you to promote your competitors, but what other football sites do you and the rest of the KSK staff frequent during the season?

Sincerely,

Please Don’t Let This Be The Only Question This Week

You might not believe this, but not only is KSK the only football site I read, but several years back, it was the only site that wasn’t Gmail or Myspace that I frequented at all. WE’RE ALL YOU NEED! However, if you’re looking for some interesting discourse and breaking news combined with snarky jokes, I suggest the /r/nfl subreddit. There’s some fun “what if” threads on there that suck up my time fairly regularly, and you get to attach a team logo to your responses, which makes for some good self-deprecating comments. The knock on it is that the redditors on there are mostly pretty young, but millennials have some interesting perspectives that we shouldn’t ignore. But we’ll get to that later.

Hey, this is more about guy friendship than sex, but in my defense I barely understand other men let alone women, so here goes: I’ve always been a depressive shut-in and I’ve had a hard time making friends, especially after high school (I’m 24). At this one job I met this guy and we got along great. I hung out at his place a few times, went to a few bars, etc. This one time last summer I was at his house and he had one other friend over and we were smoking some weed. The first time I’d actually smoked was with this same guy a few months before that, and up until then I loved it. This time, though, I had a real bad trip or whatever, got real confused and paranoid and ended up puking on his rug. I was too high to help him clean it up and went home early.

You left him to clean up your own barf? That’s too high, man.

The next time I saw him he said it wasn’t a big deal

Trust me, it was a big deal.

and that we’d hang out soon, but the company let me go after that

If he was your superior, I would understand why.

so I wasn’t able to see him at work and we haven’t hung out since. We still talk on Facebook and he’s friendly and stuff, but whenever I try to bring up the topic of hanging out some more, he clams up, and doesn’t even respond. Up until that day, he hadn’t given me any indication that he wanted to stop hanging out: he was always the one inviting me over and was pretty enthusiastic about it, always encouraging me to try new things, etc. I’m smart enough to not actually spill my guts to him directly (“are you still mad at me? Why haven’t we hung out?”) Could one weed-induced puke really be enough to suddenly make him want to never see me again, or is it just circumstances (I got fired, his job keeps him busy, it’s winter in the midwest and no one feels like going anywhere or doing anything)?
I know the smart thing is to just move on, but I’d really like to patch this up if possible, because it’s really, really hard for me to make friends and this was going so well before that one thing, and I’d like to think I could fix it. Any advice would be appreciated.

-Alex

It is objectively far more difficult to make friends as a man. Sometimes, I’m out with my wife at a bar and she meets some strange girl and they start chatting and having drinks, and in about forty minutes they come back to me and they’re all “We’re going for brunch tomorrow!” and they totally do. You can’t do that as a guy. If I were to meet some guy, who was a Chiefs fan and had intimate knowledge of the C86-era of jangle pop bands, it would still be awkward if I asked for his number. One of my best friends and I spent the first 8 months of our relationship just accidentally seeing each other out at bars and not even having each other’s numbers even though we loved hanging out with each other. That’s one of the benefits of living in a city that you can walk everywhere in because of how small it is geographically: you see the same people all the time, and you can organically develop friendships. The downside, of course, is that I see people three times a week who I’d rather punch myself in the pecker than talk to. My brother lived in Toronto for a decade and he’d meet guys at parties, get along famously with them, and never see them again. He found it frustrating. Even though you have my sympathy on this subject, you unswallowed all over some dudes carpet and ran out the door. Best to try and move on.

New guy:

I prefer the moniker “Risk the Temp” (a reference only the Canadians will get).

Fantasy – Already thinking about my keepers for next year, since I need something to do until fantasy baseball starts up. 10 league team, standard scoring, 16 round draft. I get three keepers, for which I exchange for my pick 2 picks higher than the round they were drafted in. So a player drafted in the 7th round would lose me a 5th round pick, and a waiver wire pickup would cost me a 15th, etc.

Here’s where I’m at, with round drafted in parenthesis:

Matt Ryan (5th)
Torrey Smith (6th)
T.Y. Hilton (7th)
Keenan Allen (14th)
Philip Rivers (15th)
Justin Forsett (WV)
Chris Ivory (WV)
Anquan Boldan (WV)

I’m thinking Hilton, Rivers, and Forsett. Considering the year Hilton had, he’s still a steal in the 5th round and the other two guys are nice depth while I go for upside with the top picks. Thoughts?

Without reading your choices, those were the ones I was going to go with as well. Forsett in the 15th is still good value, even if this year was an anomaly and even if he goes to another team. My other instinct is to just say, “fuck it” and take zero keepers. Everyone will think you’re the most confident guy in the league. Intimidation on draft day is perhaps the best part of the entire fantasy year.

Sex/lady stuff – After years of not being very successful with the ladies, I somehow managed to get myself a great catch. She’s sexy, smart, fun to hang out with, etc. We’ve been together nearly two years, and it’s great.

Before she came around, there was a girl who I was friends with that I was sort of pursuing, but then she got a boyfriend and it didn’t work out. We continue to be friends, texting often and hanging out a few times a year. Even if the situation to stray ever came up, I’d never do it. Life is good now, and I don’t want to screw that up.

But sometimes I see pictures on Facebook of the other girl, and I’ll rub one out. Afterwards, I feel a little bad about it. Should I? What’s the protocol of masturbating to your friend’s bikini pictures on Facebook?

Signed
[Insert clever fake name]

If you’re like any other man in a long-term relationship, you probably feel immediate guilt about rubbing one out no matter who the subject of your five-fingered race is. So, if you’re happy with your woman, probably best to do it to some professional stranger online, rather than a former acquaintance you had the hots for. If you get caught doing that, you’re in Dumpsville, and rightly so.
Oh, and if you’re rubbing it out to bikini photos like a teenager in the 80s, at least go over to reddit.com/r/bubbling and make it worth your while like a good little Mormon.

Dear Terence and Phillip,

You asked for it, here goes:
Fantasy – Now that AP has had a favourable (I did that just for you)

I used to remove the U’s from my posts on here (Ape once said “Atta Canuck” when I did) but then I realized that the rest of the world uses them and your colonial bosses removed them two hundred years ago just to be different.

decision in court, do you think it is wise to use a keeper spot on him? I don’t see him as a top ten back anymore, so I’m not sure I want to use up a second round pick, which is what it would cost me, in order to keep him. Thoughts?

Keep him. The guy is not only playing angry this year, but he might actually have a passing game to take the predictability out of the box. The reason OJ Simpson is (strong taek forthcoming) the best RB of all time is because everyone knew he was getting the ball on every single play, and he still managed to get 2000 yards in a 14 game season. Imagine if he was playing with a QB. That’s what we could have in AP this year. He has the potential of unimaginable meastiness.

Sex – I’ve been lucky enough to find a fun lady that lets me see her naked and engages in fun activities with me. I’m in my early forties, she’s almost 30, and we’ve both been through the disintegration of serious long-term relationships, so neither of us is interested in any formal kind of relationship. We’re both just focused on having fun and one of the better aspects of that is that we both like to experiment and try new things.
Recently, we were discussing things we would like to try and the topic of rimming came up.

Margaritas!

I mentioned that I had done it to a girl before, but I had never had it done to me. She has never had either experience and wanted us to try it out. Being the trooper that she is, she volunteered to perform on me as part of the fun. So far, so good.
HOWEVAH (Stephen A Smith voice), there is something that concerns me. Through the years, I’ve noticed something about how my body reacts to orgasm. I did some research and discovered that it’s perfectly normal for the anus to contract and/or “pulse” during orgasm. For me, though, this has resulted in some “residue” exiting.

He we go now.

Not like a piece of poop or anything big, but I’ve felt something and then have gone to wipe my ass and it’s not a clean wipe.

Got it.

Normally, this is not an issue because I’m either jacking it alone or if I’m having intercourse, that stuff is not noticeable. Even with blowjobs, the deed is done and she moves away from the area, so, again, nothing is detected. Obviously, this new activity being proposed would bring this issue to the forefront.
I’m obviously planning on prepping the area (shaving, washing thoroughly, and pooping well in advance). I’m not sure, though, if that will be enough. I don’t think I will orgasm from this, but I’ve never had it done and men are pretty sensitive in that area, so who knows?
How can I broach the subject with her and do my best to avoid a potentially embarrassing incident?
Signed,
Maple Yeast Raised Donuts 4eva!

Your untimely poor choice of pen name aside, we can figure this out together. If you were in a serious relationship, you could have a frank discussion about it, and if she’s as cool as you seem to think she is, she’d probably give you a hug and you’d feel comforted about it. The problem here is obviously that you guys are solely physical phriends and this might end your romp with a woman a decade younger than you, which I imagine you don’t want to jeopardize. There are a few ways around it. 1. Tell her about your issue and hope she isn’t turned off. 2. Don’t let her give you a reacharound while she’s rimming you. Say you want to climax from something else. 3. Rimming is “mostly” enjoyed by the rimmee, not the rimmer. So there’s a good chance she’s rimming you so she can have the favour returned and get rimmed herself. Say that you just want to do it to her and that will make you happy. It all depends on how self-conscious you are about your issue. She has her own body issues that just haven’t come up yet. We all have them.

My wife read this over my shoulder and her sage insight is “Nothing is more of a turnoff than when ass smells overwhelmingly like ass.” So use that female perspective as you wish.

Dear Canadian Sir,

M’reader. /tips fur hat

Greetings! I look forward to hearing to from you, just to prove to my fellow Mississippians that Canadians do in fact exist.

Equally, “Mississippi” is just a word that young girls sing when doing double Dutch up here.

Fantasy: I’m in a twelve-team league with relatively standard Yahoo scoring (with .5 points per reception) and a QB/2RB/3WR/TE/K roster. We are allowed up to two keepers per year- if you keep one, you lose your first-round pick and a second-rounder for the second keeper. The only players who might be worth it on my roster are Dez Bryant, Jamaaaaaaaaal Charles, and Megatron. Thoughts as to which might be worth the picks?

Keep them all. In a twelve-team league, I’m assuming those three alone can win you the championship by week 8.

Sexy times: So I’ve been seeing a girl for four months and things have been going well. We connect well, good communication on most issues, etc. It’s been hard finding someone down here

You’re all “down there” to me.

who enjoys intellectual conversation, so I’ve been really pleased to have found her.

The problem is that she’s a little obsessed with anal sex.

/kommenters simultaneously spit take

Strike that- really obsessed.

/kommenters all die

That’s the main way she wants to do it, and the only way she ever wants to finish. I’m not opposed to non-standard coitus, but I’ve never enjoyed it as much as the more *ahem* traditional methods like oral or vaginal. I know I’m violating SexBag protocols by complaining about too much anal, and that the commenters will all likely be asking for her name so that they can oblige her, but there it is.

I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but she’s either dismissive (thinking that I’m being shy or would enjoy it more without a condom) or outwardly accepting my requests but changing her mind midway through. We’ve tried using toys in her ass as a compromise, but she isn’t into it. Our communication is so good on everything else that I don’t want to make her selfishness on this one issue a bigger deal than it is. But it’s kind of weirding me out. Suggestions, or am I faced with a “do her ass or dump her ass” situation?

With Great Respect,
Embarrassment of Riches

Achieving orgasm from anal is rare with women, but it actually happens in more than just porn. Anal is like ice cream: it’s an excellent treat and sometimes you’re with a woman who won’t let you have it so you dream about it all the time, but if you were forced to have it for three meals a day you’ll get hungry for a square meal pretty quickly. The only way around this is having this conversation at a time that is intimate, but nowhere close to sexy time. Make sure the conversation is about how much you’re craving her privy-counsel rather than about how you aren’t interested in her trunk. Hopefully you can get a little bit of standard boring sex out of it, and then you get to have ice cream later!

Alright you lonely Canadian bastard,

Canadian? You bet. Bastard? Absolutely. Lonely? Not even close. I have a foxy wife and a dumbass cat and I play in a band of buddies who make strong dick jokes, including… nay, ESPECIALLY the girl.

I got a question for you I guess (besides why you dress like that, you boat-shoe wearing panty-waist).

I was in Palm Springs. It seemed to fit the scenery. Don’t worry, I promise I totally wear Tapout shirts and stand up comedian jeans when I’m not on vacation. If you meet me, I won’t make you feel uncomfortable with my fashion choices.

Fantasy football – hmmm, think I am going to skip it this year. Just too much time and disappointment for too little reward. Although I do enjoy watching the player in my league who spends 10+ hours a week on it miss the playoffs every year.

Good for you. I still haven’t decided whether or not I’ll play this year. I feel like I can employ the Buddhist concept of Mudita: taking pleasure in other’s successes. Plus, if I spend my time coaching those who write in to the mailbag rather than my own team, I will do a better job for you people, no matter how much you ridicule my vacation attire.

Sex – I am an old. What’s up with this new generation of ladies, what with all the growing up with universal free porn and stuff? Are they all jaded about sex? Is anal super normal? Is this the free love generation that everyone wanted in the 60’s?

Here’s a pic of a sexy 60’s lady to make up for my lack of ff question.

– Daniel

(I’m partial to Barbara Feldon, myself)

I feel I’m fairly qualified to answer this because I have a much younger wife. Part of the reason I adore her is her age group’s attitude towards not just sex, but societal stuff. For instance: Boomers are creepily secretive and veiled about homosexuality, Gen X live in this industrial complex of outrage about it, arguing constantly about gender politics and rights from up on an anonymous digital soapbox, while the younger generation just doesn’t even have the conversation because they think it’s a ridiculous topic to discuss. Rather than getting credit for just thinking humans are humans no matter what the sexual orientation, the older generation thinks of them as apathetic.

The big knock on the younger generation is that they can’t take a shit without their iPhones, which is absurd. Why the hell wouldn’t you go through your phone while you’re laying some cable? Your smart phone is like every Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader in one! The early twenty somethings have had a box in their pocket most of their sentient life that they can ask any question and get an answer. They’re the information generation. It’s why my wife can know more about 80s post punk than I do, even though I spent countless hours in record stores talking about the Au Pairs and the Mekons. Envision that notion when it comes to sex. It’s pretty great. “Is anal super normal?” Depends on the person, I suppose. It’s not necessarily normal in the way that they’re all hungry for it, but they wouldn’t wince at having a discussion about it at a bar.

When we were teenagers, we hoped to find some filthy magazines an older boy left in the woods with still photos of nude women in it that was all blues and greens like an ad in the window of a Korean nail spa because the sun had drenched all the reds out of it. When the younger people were teenagers, they were Googling some weird stuff, and although probably shocked about it initially, got used to it pretty quickly.

Keep in mind that everything you read about them is pretty much written by men and women in their mid-thirties, while twenty year olds are laughing about it on Snapchat or trolling older people on Twitter about Paul McCartney. They are sexually self-actualized, environmentally friendly, encyclopaedias of culture and subculture, and they’re going to soon make all your jobs obsolete by writing a one line of code. You can ridicule them, fear them, or embrace them. I married the fuck out one.

Good questions this week. Email kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com with any questions about fantasy football, sex, or anything about Canada. We know everything about you, so isn’t it a bit creepy that you know nothing about us?

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