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Monster Bride Demands Her Bridesmaids Wear Matching Bikinis With ‘Rhinestones On The Tushie’

To be fair, going strictly off the headline, the monster bride in question doesn’t sound all THAT bad. A little tacky, sure, and no human over the age of conception should ever use the word “tushy,” ironically or otherwise, but to put the rhinestone requirement into context, it’s one of 10 rules an awful bride asked her poor bridesmaids to follow at (should-have-been red) wedding. Gawker was forwarded the email chain, which reads in part:

Welcome to my bridal party. I thought today would be a great day to start this chain, as it is officially six months until my wedding day.

I just wanted to go over some ground rules.

1. Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room

2. No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.

3. Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.

4. Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out “maids,” which brings me to my next point.

5. All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.

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