MORTAL WOMBAT KOMBAT X just came out and people all over the world are now celebrating excessive violence in ways that show concerned parents from the 90’s that we have truly won. Not only did our gratuitous violence win, but we stabbed their faces with a knife, carved open their skulls, then exploded them for good measure, as is the Mortal Kombat way. The next Mortal Kombat should feature a practice mode where you get to try out your moves on Jack Thompson. That’ll show concerned old people that we handle things like mature adults.
Anyway one of my secret lifelong dreams is to have an NFL themed Mortal Kombat game, because playing Blitz on my N64 and drop kicking people after the whistle blew just didn’t satisfy my bloodlust enough. Mortal Kombat is the next best possible outlet. The developers are goofy and stick weird stuff in every game, so maybe with this list of player fatalities I can get them to try and license out Gronk as a character so I can have power moves that look like kegstands and a fatality that involves him spiking the heads of his enemies. You could have a stage in a burned up football field, and an environmental kill in which you subject your opponent to Phil Simms commentary and your opponent offs themselves.
Be careful though, use any player too long on the football stage and they get CTE and wander off, leaving them open to attack.
Here is a good list of NFL player fatalities. Copyright on each, pay me, Netherrealm Studios.
Gronk
Rips off opponent’s head, spikes it
Peyton
sends opponent over the middle to get sandwich between the CB and linebacker
Philip Rivers
Summons his army of Children who swarm the opponent like Christian piranhas
Ndamukong Suh
Stomp Stomp Stomp, just generally a lot of stomping
Pete Carroll
Sets opponent on fire, throws steel beams on him, shrugs when they don’t melt
Danny Woodhead
Opens lunchpail, grabs a grinder and grinds opponent to dust
DJax
Flashes gang sign, Summons a whole group of Crips who shoot the opponent to death
Tony Romo
Grabs opponent’s head, throws it to Dez Bryant, who can’t complete the process of the catch and the head splatters everywhere
Adrian Peterson
Grabs tree branch and hits opponent in the nuts
Ray Rice
Opponent into Elevator shaft, elevator comes down
Marshawn Lynch
rips a gigantic hole through opponent’s torso, runs through it and scores, grabs dick
Ray Lewis
Gets his friends to stab the opponent to death while definitely not getting involved himself in any way
Tim Tebow
Crucifies himself for his opponents sins
Tom Brady
gets punched, runs into a corner and cries, Gisele comes out and teases the opponent, opponent dies of blue balls and jealousy
Richie Incognito
Rips open opponents jaw, shits in mouth
Big Ben
Opens door in backgrond reading “bathroom” and throws opponent in, follows and closes door behind him
Steve Smith
Punches opponent in face repeatedly; Fatality lasts two hours
Aaron Rodgers
Gets state farm agent to cut brake lines on opponent’s car
Bill Belichick
Tears open portal to hell, kicks player through
Jay Cutler
puts his cigarette out on his opponent’s neck and just walks away
Andrew Luck
Kills opponent with courtesy and compliments
Rex Grossman
Grabs opponent, throws them deep, opponent flies all the way around the world and then Grossman whips out his junk and baseball bats the opponent once he comes back around. Opponent flies back around the world the other way, Grossman’s dick turns into a dragon and eats opponent. Then Grossman shits out the remains, pees on them, then makes out with Gisele Bundchen as Tom Brady cries and fireworks explode.
