Let’s skip the introduction and cut straight to the 0:10 mark of the video above, from Oregon NBC affiliate KOBI, at which point Klamath County Sheriff Frank Skrah begins addressing a room filled with reporters.
SKRAH: We had a complete home stolen. This isn’t a motor home. This isn’t a mobile home. This is a “home.”
REPORTER: It wasn’t already on wheels?
SKRAH: No, it was not.
A HOUSE HEIST. A HOUSE HEIST.
A few things:
- The home was unoccupied at the time, which is good news because it doesn’t appear a family was displaced. That would have been sad, and it would have ruined the glee I just got out of typing “HOUSE HEIST” in all caps. Twice. Once in bold. And technically a third time just now.
- Big shoutout to the reporter in the press conference who was understandably flabbergasted by the news: “So it wasn’t on wheels? No wheels at all? None? Not even one like a single wheel in the middle? Not, like, a unicycle house? You’re sure? Because I’ve seen a unicycle house. My cousin lives in one. Strange guy.”
- It’s fun to picture George Clooney being behind this, driving a dirty flatbed truck with the house on it off into the sunset while wearing a tuxedo.
- A grainy black-and-white surveillance video of that would have been 100x times more entertaining than Ocean’s 12.
The best would be if the same person behind the theft of Lupita Nyong’o’s $150,000 Oscar dress was behind this, and now there’s some female master criminal lounging around a stolen house in a pearl-covered dress. The perfect crime.