For nine glorious seasons, we followed four friends on Seinfeld — Jerry Seinfeld, George Constanza, Elaine Benes and Cosmo Kramer — on the show about nothing. And amid the under-desk-naps, pig-men, and sponge-worthiness, Jerry was often pegged as the “normal” one.
Yes, Jerry. The guy who mugged an old lady and stole her marble rye. The guy who chose an impression of a talking belly button over a relationship.
My point is, Jerry was far from normal. In fact, if you had your choice between the main cast, you might be least served by living with Jerry. Think about it: George has a great answering-machine message, cool baseball posters, and loves to lounge on a massage chair — no stress there. Elaine might have some scary impromptu dance parties, but she’s got a ton of closet space so you’d probably make do. And living with Kramer would be (quite literally) a 24-hour hot tub in the living room party. Jerry? Dude’s got issues, and I’m not just talking about his propensity for nude power sanding, indoor cigar smoking, and past history with fleas in his apartment. Hear me out.
He’s the ultimate germaphobe/neat freak
You may consider yourself a generally neat person, but Jerry would freak out about even the smallest mess. So, forget about eating in the living room; even one morsel of food finding its way onto the floor would send Jerry’s germ-o-meter into overdrive. Despite the fact that cleaning tools like mops, vacuum cleaners and toilet brushes exist, said tools aren’t enough for Jerry’s high cleaning standards. You want to be able to relax and enjoy your apartment, but, honestly, you can’t do too much relaxing if you’re always worrying about keeping the apartment squeaky clean. A clean roommate is usually a blessing what everyone looks for when deciding who they’ll live with, but Jerry would surely be more than you bargained for.
Do you really want this kind of person as your room/housemate? This level of germaphobe-ness is only meant for one place: an institution.
All the pop-ins
Despite the fact that you have a roommate, you want to feel like the master of your domain, and that means no unwanted pop ins. And Jerry’s friends love the pop-in, or in Kramer’s case, the burst-in. You have to imagine that the prevalence of smartphones and the ease that comes with texting would help to alleviate that issue, but the bottom line is, Jerry’s friends don’t seem like snap-chatters. They’re face to face friends, and they’re going to be part of the living-room landscape no matter what you say or do. That’s fine if you feel like you can hang with the gang, but after years, they have their own language and aren’t very accepting of new people. Look forward to hanging out in your room and picking at whatever remains of the food you put in the fridge that Kramer didn’t get to if this isn’t an instant deal breaker for you.
His nemesis is the mailman, so you’d never get your mail
Jerry’s hatred for Newman burned for nine seasons. This toxic relationship could prove to be problematic for you because, you know, you actually need your mail and there’s no telling what strings Newman might pull to get other mail carriers on his side. Like Newman once said, “When you control the mail, you control information!”
You could attempt to play peacemaker to the two men, but Newman and Jerry’s disdain for each other is deeply rooted and irreparable. Granted, Newman did set his sights on destroying Jerry’s life, but that has nothing to do with you, right? You just need your Pottery Barn catalog.
This is a great big extension on the pop-in problem. Kramer is everyone’s favorite hipster doofus, but as a neighbor, he’s your worst nightmare. Living with Jerry would surely come with Kramer’s barging in, using your shower, eating all your food, and the occasional robbery (he can be forgetful when it comes to closing doors). He’d march into your apartment several times a day with whacky ideas and inventions, and you don’t need that in your life. Whether it’s making your own pizza pie or perfume that smells like the beach, Kramer has a new idea every other day, and he’s going to run them all by Jerry — and you. Of course, you could try locking the apartment door to keep him out; one problem with that, though: Kramer has a key to the place.
His busy love life
Throughout the series, Jerry has had a slew of flings. The parade of random women nearly each week could put a damper on your walk-around-the-apartment-in-your-undies privileges. There would be makeup all over the bathroom sink — which Jerry would be freaking out about (because, you know, neatness). And, naturally, on the rare occasion that one of Jerry’s girlfriends isn’t around, George is there discussing said woman with his best friend. You could have a simple talk with Jerry, ask him to curb the enthusiasm and keep the lady-callers to a minimum (or maybe sleep at their place occasionally and give up the home-field advantage). But, come on, that wouldn’t stick, so you’d just have to live with it and the only thing more annoying is the silly reasons he gives for breaking up with these unfortunate ladies.
“She had man hands, ” “She’s a virgin,” “She eats her peas one at a time,” and “She went out with Newman” — just to list a few.
With not getting your mail, the unwanted guests, Jerry’s neat freak tendencies, and his endless string of guests (both romantic and otherwise), it’s safe to say that Jerry is definitely not roommate material.