These Horrifying Stories Of Sexual Inexperience Will Make You Cringe And Laugh At The Same Time

In this day and age, it seems like it’s impossible to be totally clueless when it comes to sex. Even for an individual who is personally inexperienced in the sexual department (cleanup in aisle… oh, never mind), I mean — we have the internet, now. Health class be dammed, if you have an internet connection and don’t understand the basic mechanics of the way a man’s body interacts with a woman’s body, or another man’s body, or sometimes another man and a woman’s body, or two women’s bodies, or… well, you get the hint — then that’s on you, my friend.

And yet, there are people out there who are painfully inexperienced when it comes to the notion of sex. Such was the topic of a recent Ask Reddit thread, “What’s the most obvious sign of sexual inexperience you have experienced?” Chalk it up to Darwinism, but you just have to wonder how these people got as far as they did in life.

To start us off, Sykopoet was with a gent who didn’t understand that the vagina is surrounded by pelvic muscles:

When my muscles contracted inside, he jumped back and said “What was that?!?” sigh

(Props to the followup comment by rustyshackleford193 who hilariously writes, “My girlfriend once sneezed the dick out.”)

Hopefully this girl that Wemedge dated eventually learned that a scrotum is not a stress ball:

I went on a date with a girl in high school who was supposed to be experienced. We started making out, and she started squeezing my balls so hard I nearly cried. I thought she knew what she was doing, and I had no idea… so I went with it.

Male or female, RealLifeAprilLudgate is making us all cringe with this one:

Once I slept with a guy who kissed like a vacuum cleaner. He straight up suction cupped my mouth, and the more I pulled away, the more he stuck onto me. He then bit my nipple in half, and that took a week to heal…

ButterMyMuffin describes a girl who didn’t know the difference between an orgasm and having to pee:

Was trying to make a girl come for the first time in her life. She’s getting all worked up when suddenly she yells out ” I HAVE TO PEE!”. She darts to the bathroom and tries to pee for a few minutes unsuccessfully. She was climaxing but thought she was going to piss herself.

Bluejay304 did it with a guy who really doesn’t know how babies happen:

My first time with this guy I was dating. I knew he was a virgin, and I thought I was prepared for what might ensue. How wrong I was.

After dinner we got down to it at my place. He lasted a few pumps, finished. Fine. I was prepared for this. Then he FREAKS OUT. It took me a minute to get him to effectively communicate what was going on. He jumped out of bed, threw his clothes on, and yelled “OH NO! ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?!?” in full panic. He was dead serious and waited for an answer. I let out a confused “uh…no…?” He then ran out of my apartment and went home.

We used two forms of birth control (pill and condom). We were in our 20s. He had already gotten his bachelor’s degree.

Although the internet isn’t always a helpful tutorial for sex, as lowertechnology can relate:

I’m not sure what it is about recent movies and stuff, but I was with a girl a while back (She had been a virgin) who was certain that doggystyle was just sort of “how it was done”.

Said it’s basically all she’s ever seen in movies and the small amount of porn she’d seen.

The conversation came up after our 3rd or 4th time and I told her to lay down as we were getting ready for action. Missionary position just blew her mind. Way more satisfying for her. She was all like “why don’t people do it like that all the time?”

Edge231 does not mince words:

Teeth on a blowjob. Her downsuck was great but the upsuck felt like I was facefucking a shark.

Cartmen34 kind of brought this on himself, TBH:

I had to show my girlfriend (who was well into her 20’s) where her clitoris was and how to masturbate.

The funniest part was she diddled herself every chance she got after that for about a month. Her roommate sarcastically thanked me for all the extra noise in the apartment.

Glad rkkid9 and his or her partner were able to work through this:

He put the condom on backwards and couldn’t figure out how to roll it down. I told him it was okay and showed him the proper way to put it on.

I’m still with him over a year later, he got better.

SkankkSchrader probably should have canceled this date:

He continuously kept licking my peehole and tried to shove it in there. We changed positions cause he simply couldnt put it in the right hole. I got on top and he proceeded to enter my butthole.

“I’m gonna tear your walls” he said in a text message 30 minutes before coming over.

And we’ll leave you with this whopper from ImmaculateReception:

Oh, this is a good one.

I’m at work earlier this year and myself and four other guys are shooting the shit, talking about whatever, with the sixth person there a female younger than all of us (we’re early-to-late 20s, she’s 19). Conversation turns to the definition of “good sex” and the one female there pipes up about how it isn’t usually good for her, as “sex doesn’t get good until after four hours or so”.

We’re all dumbstruck and question her, thinking either we misheard her or she misunderstood the conversation, but nope, she stuck firm at four hours. Despite our informing her that (a) ain’t nobody got time for that, (b) even with lube it’d definitely hurt her to go that long and (c) no way the dude doesn’t finish by that point (or give up) she maintained that four hours is her climax point and then doubled down and said that “two and a half hours is her minimum”.

We’re all convinced she’s a virgin now (not that that matters at all, but the blatant lying to be “cool” or fit in was super easy to recognize) and can’t take anything she says about relationships or sex seriously now.

Four hours… YEAH, NO. Read the rest (including some super NSFW ones) here.

(Via Reddit)