Today’s Internet Nightmare Fuel Is Brought To You By A Santa Ana Snake Hoarder

Because we could all use a good retch into our coffee this morning, a Santa Ana schoolteacher was arrested yesterday on suspicion of animal cruelty after upwards of 400 snakes were found in the man’s home. Face value, that sounds pretty horrifying, right? Oh, BUT IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE. Via the LA Times:

Berg said when they entered the home, they discovered that mice were eating one another and that the home was peppered with mice feces.

Many of the dead snakes were still in cages and there was no evidence of food or water in any of the cages, she said.

Which raises the hypothetical question: What’s worse, a house full of live snakes or dead snakes? This is a question no one should ever have to ponder.

Authorities said Buchman’s mother died in 2011, and that her death appeared to have affected him profoundly. “It’s pretty sad,” Berg said. “Hoarding is pretty much a mental condition. They need help.”

Residents in the tidy neighborhood on Fernwood Drive said Buchman was pleasant but that the smell from the house had become overwhelming.

“We thought someone was dead,” said Forest Long Sr., 62, who lives next door. “We couldn’t open up the bedroom windows. My wife started to gag and throw up.”

NOPE, a house full of dead snakes. Definitely a house full of dead snakes. I mean, that sucks the dude’s mom died and all, but couldn’t he cope with it in just a slightly less horrifying way like maybe preserving his mother’s dead corpse and then murdering patrons of a local motel or something? Also, just a reminder, this guy was a schoolteacher. I remember the good old days when the most scandalous potential rumor about my fourth grade teacher was whether or not he wore a toupee. (He totally wore a toupee.)

Banner via LA Times