This Little Girl Shut Down Joe Biden When He Whispered In Her Ear And Tried To Kiss Her

From the outset, this poor senator’s daughter looks like she’s trapped in a corner with the touchy-feely hands of Joe Biden edging towards her. Where can she go? In one corner, her parents — smiling and nodding approvingly as the vice president nudges further ever so slightly. He wants to steal my youth!

In the other corner, the perpetrator himself — VP Biden, with his grabby-mitts waving and dangling and threatening to snatch the life essence from her blossoming existence as his gums recede to reveal a set of sharpened fangs dripping with centuries-old saliva. He’s Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China. He’s one of the cat people from Sleepwalkers.

Then, it happens. Biden whispers a few magical phrases into the little girl’s ear, phrases that the VP has used for eons to paralyze his prey rendering them unable to withstand the soul-snatching kiss taught to him by the Great-Wizard-From-The-Hill-That-Never-Was.

She’s frozen, and Biden has her. It’s all academic at this point. He leans in to press his charred lips against the smooth porcelain skin of this young being, already feeling the rush of youthful exuberance he’s felt countless times before. The little girl stares off into space, hoping the process comes quick and painlessly. Then something happens. She hears a voice. FIGHT!

She doesn’t know where it came from, but the echo in her head motivates her to move her legs, then her torso, then finally — with the strength returning to her head — she strafes inches to the right and hears the slight smack of Biden’s lips kissing the air next to her forehead. He missed.

Biden stands upright, defeated. He’s lost this battle. But how? “You’re a good girl,” he snarls.

The little girl knows the war she waged will be lost among the smattering of conversations and handshakes on the floor. But, the sense of victory is overwhelming. Still, where did that voice come from, the battlecry that engaged her strength to fight back against the Biden beast?

Across the floor, in the corner, a man in a black trench coat and navy blue hat stands idly; he’s not shaking hands nor is he speaking to anyone. The figure uses his index finger to raise the brim of his hat, revealing his face: President Obama. He simply nods his head towards her and smiles.