A Woman Attempted To Toilet Train Her Cat And It Went Horribly, Horribly Wrong

The worst part of cat ownership is unarguably having to deal with the litter. Scooping it; changing it; when you have a cat that’s too dumb to cover up its poops so the smell will occasionally waft out of the laundry room and into the kitchen and make your eyes water — the whole business is pretty unpleasant. So at some point some entrepreneurial cat aficionado came up with a system to do away with the litterbox that will ostensibly train your cat to pee and poop in the toilet.

If you’re unfamiliar, this is accomplished by fashioning a toilet seat-shaped litterbox to your toilet with removable inserts. As you train your cat, you gradually remove inserts from the center of the litterbox until the cat is just going in the toilet. It’s not an easy feat and requires the patience of a saint, but it has the potential to work remarkably well, if you believe any number of the success videos on YouTube.

Well, for some cats, anyway. It did not work out very well for this cat; the subject of today’s Reddit TIFU story. The anonymous Redditor who goes by “holleyfieldart” says that she purchased a CitiKitty brand cat toilet training system for her cat, which is just one of many similar products out on the market. And at first, everything was going great! Until she realized that her cat was mistaking everything cat toilet-hole shaped as an acceptable spot to dump in, such as say, the shoes in her closet. Yet, she persevered. And that’s when things started to go downhill.

With the use of ample cat nip and praise, Cat began doing his business in the Citi Kitty training box. Victory! After a few weeks, I removed a second insert. The removal of that one insert shattered my cat’s world and sent him on a downward spiral into a psychological kitty breakdown. He began to believe that everything white and porcelain was his toilet. One evening, I discovered him hunched in the bathtub, doing his best to hide behind the shower curtain. The final straw was when I went into the bathroom, looking forward to washing my face and brushing my teeth after a long day, only to discover a steaming pile of brown shame in my bathroom sink.

Unrelated, “Steaming Pile of Brown Shame” would make an excellent band name.

That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I put the insert back in and postponed training for a month. During that month, Cat got used to doing his kitty business in the Citi Kitty litter box. All the inserts were back in, so there was no hole for him to see the toilet water below. I figured, eh why not, might as well give it another go. I removed the insert. It was a terrible mistake.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of my cat howling and moaning in pain. I rushed out of the bedroom and the smell of cat poop hit me like a brick. I searched high and low for the source of the smell. Finally… I found it. My f*cking cat took a sh*t on my cactus.

So, purchase the Sh*tty Kitty toilet training system if you enjoy cleaning poop out of your shoes, the tub, and the bathroom sink, and if you would get a kick out of seeing your cat puncture his butthole while trying to relieve himself on a cactus.

Usually you have to go to other sections of Reddit to hear stories about puncturing buttholes with cacti, so consider this to be your lucky day. Oh, and it you’re wondering how bad it could possibly be, she thoughtfully included a picture of said cactus. NOPE, WOULD DEFINITELY NOT WANT THAT GOING UP MY BUTT.