Tom Hanks’ Wannabe Rapper Son Is Trying Desperately To Feud With Howard Stern

Tom Hanks Chester Hanks Rita Wilson
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For the last few years, we’ve had a really good time making fun of Tom Hanks’ son, Chester M. Hanks, who you might know better as “rapper” and “bad boy” Chet Haze. A graduate of Northwestern University, Chet Haze once tried very hard to promote his reputation as being the son of a wealthy and beloved A-list actor who didn’t want to use his father’s name to succeed in the music industry. And, of course, when that didn’t work, he started going by Chet Hanx. None of it really worked, though, as he built a small following on Twitter and his biggest YouTube success was the lousy “Do it Better,” which racked up 433,584 views.

If Chester has achieved any real success in what he calls a rap career, it has been ironic and/or the result of people pointing and laughing at Tom’s rapping son thinking he’s a tough guy. Beyond his battles with the bloggers, though, the man who is perhaps most responsible for any attention that Chester continues to receive is radio god Howard Stern, who has been mocking his “career” since around 2011. If I were Chester, I’d thank Stern every day that people still click on my music videos, like “The Thirst,” which has 179,650 views in the month since he posted it. Instead, Chester wants to go the other way with all of it, and naturally he comes off as a colossal douchebag in doing so.

Back on March 20, (again, for emphasis) the Northwestern grad and son of an A-list, Academy Award-winning actor Tweeted that he was listening to Stern’s show and that “this shit isn’t funny at all… Lame yuppie humor.” (I bolded that for irony.) He informed Stern, who is worth at least $500 million and continues to be a hero to his army of fans, that his “time has passed” and “only old people listen to you.” “The young generation doesn’t know you,” Chester finished, before turning his attention to Rude Jude from Sirius radio. Let’s allow Stern to tell the story of the Chester Hanks/Rude Jude feud that started this all:

Just listen to that dude talk and then tell me that Stern was wrong to mock him. The catalyst was that “shit just got real” between Rude Jude and Chester’s homey, who was bounced from the studio for trying to fight Rude Jude (side note: I have no clue who Rude Jude is, but he looks like this so what is even happening here?). That led to Chester going all in on Monday. I’ll let his Tweets do the speaking…

At this point, I was curious as to what he means when he says, “I won’t physically whoop your ass.” Does he mean verbally? Like the time he threatened to destroy Jensen Karp in a rap battle and then hilariously tucked back into his entitled turtle shell when he realized that Karp was once a champion at rap battles? I’ll allow Tom Hanks’ son to continue…

This f*cking guy. Anyway, carry on, Chester.

Yes, that’s what it means. It definitely doesn’t mean that this is a bordering-on-failed rapper begging for attention from a guy who can literally make stars happen with a simple gesture. Stern is basically Oprah, while Chester probably wouldn’t have made Colin Hanks’ Emmy acceptance speech.

That was my favorite Tweet. The gun emoji really says it all about Chester. He won’t fight a 61-year old man because of his security detail, but he will shoot him on Twitter. By the way, he deleted at least one Tweet, including one about how “it might not be today or it might be 10 years from now,” but he is going to kick Stern’s ass. So basically, he’s going to wait until Stern is 71 to fight him. TOUGH GUY COMING THROUGH! It gets even better, though, as Chester carried his one-sided feud into the next day.

Again, Stern is worth hundreds of millions. Maybe Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are worth more, but what is this nonsense about hanging in the same circles as his family? I thought we were doing this on our own, CHET HAZE. Now, the main question is: DOES CHET HAZE HANX CARE WHAT U THINK, YO???

I love that he corrected himself in this Tweet, when he could have hit backspace and written what he meant. Even his scripted shit-talking is amateur.

Sure, bro.

Shockingly, TMZ didn’t write about Chester. At least I don’t think they did, because spending more than 10 seconds on that site makes me feel filthy. Jezebel wrote a passing blurb about Chester’s stupid douchebag rant, but that was about it. So why did I do it? Because I’m tired of this guy. I stopped ironically following him on Twitter, and even when this happened I couldn’t laugh about it with Danger and Vince like we once did.

It’s just pathetic. The guy is just four months removed from seeking treatment for cocaine addiction – unless that was a failed PR stunt – so you’d think he’d get his act together and stop acting like the world’s fakest tough guy. He should live up to our expectations and start acting like a spoiled brat and the Hanks boy who can’t act.