Nate, Jersey City:
Why didn’t Vince Carter force those fans who sat on the Mavs bench to move over?
Because Vince Carter has the ferocity of a neutered kitten. Everyone’s been fooled over the years by his monster dunks and general showboating. Really, it’s all a cover for his insecurity. Sometimes he executes especially super awesome basketball moves and we’re immediately mesmerized, and even inclined to try the moves out for ourselves. Okay, maybe I just do this. And half the time I trip over myself, slightly twist my ankle and complain to everyone in my vicinity until someone will notice my terminal ankle sprain. “You see that red spot?!? It indicates minor swelling! SWELLING!
Seriously, athletes are tough as nails. When Dirk played in the Finals with the flu last season, I jumped on the “no big deal” train and gawked at his supposed “illness.” Except every time I get the flu I call my mother, demand a thousand pieces of toast with butter and require her to feed me medicine. With a tall glass of water, of course. And chewable pills that taste like pink.
Another time I broke my index finger and could barely lift a pencil. I walked around with one of those stupidly obnoxious finger splints for maximum injury pity. One of humanity’s favorite pastimes is recounting past trauma; but the only way to properly maximize pity is with extraneous injury paraphernalia. It’s also of paramount importance to exponentially multiply the levels of exaggeration with each retelling.
“Yeah, I was playing basketball and caught a pass weird and my finger broke.”
“I was playing basketball and went up for a block (I totally smacked his shot into the third row) but my finger hit the backboard and broke.”
“There were four seconds left and I hit a three while falling away into the stands, and my finger nailed one of the seats as I braced myself for impact.”
“I was dribbling down the court when an ALLIGATOR viciously attacked me! I fought it off with my bare hands but damaged my index finger in the process. I have the alligator’s head propped up on the wall in my house.