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‘5nal Destination’. That’s the actual title.

By / 06.30.10

Back when I made fun of Final Destination 4 by calling it 4inal Destination, someone at WB must have been taking notes, because they’ve “tentatively set” the title of the fifth chapter as, I sh*t you not, “5NAL DESTINATION.”

Wow.

When things like this happen, I like to imagine a big branding firm somewhere.  They’re responsible for coming up with the title for the fifth Final Destination movie, and they’re behind schedule.  Inside the big warehouse-style building, the place is a madhouse.  People are frantic.  Balled-up pieces of paper fly in every direction and cover the floor.  The machine-gun sound of keyboard clicking fills the room.  Everyone’s going apesh*t.   Except for one guy, who’s quietly staring out the window.  He’s disheveled.  His hair is a rat’s nest, and he just sits there expressionless, petting a troll doll like it was a cat.

“WAIT!” the boss shouts.  “Has anyone asked Johnson?”

The keyboard clicks stop momentarily and everyone groans.  The boss approaches Johnson’s desk.  As he stands there waiting for a response, Johnson’s chair swivels around.  Without acknowledging the boss’s presence at all, Johnson quickly scrawls something on a scrap of paper.  He quickly spins back around and goes back to petting his troll doll.  The boss picks up the scrap of paper.  He pulls his reading glasses out of his chest pocket to read what it says.

“Jeez, boss, that guy’s an odd duck, huh?” says the boss’s toadying assistant.

“That guy…” says the boss, reading the scrap of paper.  He looks up from it wide eyed, fully in awe.  “…is the best we’ve got.”

His eyes welling with tears, the boss lets the scrap of paper fall to the floor.   Close up on the scrap of paper.  It reads simply, “5NAL DESTINATION.”  Johnson, still staring out the window leans back in his chair and lights a corn cob pipe.  With a satisfied look, he opens a pixie stick and dumps it in his hair.  Fin.

Anyway, I can’t wait until the inevitable porn parody, “5 Anal Destination.”  It’ll be nice for your mom to get some work again.


TAGS5NAL DESTINATIONFINAL DESTINATIONunnecessary sequels

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