Drop your c0cks and grab your smocks, folks, for today I come to you bearing VERY IMPORTANT NEWS. It turns out Joel Schumacher (Good ol’ Schu), the man who put nipples on the bat suit, is attached to a new project. And I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that it could potentially be the BLOCKBUSTER TENT POLE OF NEXT SUMMER. Quoth the nerds of Pajiba:
Joel Schumacher has apparently signed on to The Barry White Story, according to The Hollywood Cog [Pajiba's source for studio scoops]. It’s not what you think (a Barry White biopic). It’s much, much, much worse. The pitch, which comes out of the Hollywood Gangs Production company, is in the vein of SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE, and it’s about the ghost of Barry White teaching some loser kid how to channel him to get a girl.
Oh hell yes! The hip-black-guy-teaches-dorky-white-guy-to-loosen-up gag literally NEVER GETS OLD. (And when white people dial a phone, they be all like “Beep bop boop beeeep…”) Although I must admit that as far as movies based on Hitch go, this sounds a lot like the upcoming Kevin James film, Zookeeper, in which Kevin James gets dating advice from zoo animals. To avoid a Dante’s Peak/Volcano situation here, couldn’t we just combine these two? Why couldn’t Barry White’s ghost team up with zoo animals to give Kevin James dating advice? That sounds perfect.
KEVIN JAMES: (*sigh*) Another girlfriend gone. Who’s ever going to love a fatty like me? (*splits seat of pants, cries, eats pie*)
(BARRY WHITE’S GHOST rides in on a zebra, singing “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love”)
BARRY WHITE’S GHOST: Look here, brotha, it ain’t about the paunch you packin’ if your style is silky smooth, ya dig? Now the big man said he’d let me come back here if I passed on my legacy of lovin’ all the lovely ladies before high-blood pressure comes a-callin’, but times a-wastin’, so I brought some friends along.
(*baby hippo farts, hyenas laugh, Fox execs throw poop at each other*)