Stephen Baldwin discusses new job as Patron Saint of A-Holes

Senior Editor
04.30.10 29 Comments

The lord works in mysterious ways, such as ransom notes on the t-shirts of freeloading, c-list wastes of space

As everyone knows, the entertainment industry is notoriously rough on devout Christians.  Times have been so tough lately that Tyler Perry and Kirk Cameron haven’t even been able to afford to fill their mansions’ pools with the KY they need for butler wrestling.  But perhaps no one has been hit harder in this new economy than Stephen Baldwin, whose talent alone not only proves God’s existence but once got him a part in a Pauly Shore movie.

But since becoming “The born-again Christian Baldwin,” it seems he’s been able to accept even fewer acting jobs than when he was just “the fat, talentless Baldwin.”  And that’s made it hard for him to pay his bills.  How’s a man supposed to eat, or get crucifix swords tattooed on his arm?  To that end, he started, which allows other Christians to stop giving their money to those freeloading, third-world savages, and start giving it to Stephen Baldwin, the man whose dreadlocks Jesus molded in His own image in Bio Dome.  And by “he started” I mean of course that someone else unconnected to Baldwin started the website. Stephen Baldwin will still accept the money, of course, but only because it’s God’s will.

“I’m not looking at it like it’s some business deal for me. I’m not involved, I don’t want to be involved … It’s a charitable situation and whatever God’s going to do, God’s going to do. If it turns out to be something that blesses me in a great way financially, then Amen,” Baldwin tells PopEater.

That’s very noble of you, Stephen.  Maybe instead of eating or working, you should just lie on your back with your mouth open and wait for God to miracle some food into your worthless face.

“The simple explanation for that is when you’re living one particular way in a certain income bracket, not only as a result of what’s been happening in the economy and sub-prime blah blah blah, that along with my consciously deciding there were roles that I had been doing pretty regularly that would allow me to make X amount of dollars per year. Well, as a result of my decision that I made as my born-again Christian faith — again, I take full responsibility of that. I’m a big boy and I made that choice. I made the choice to no longer participate in playing those roles in the past, it affected my income. I was easily making a million and a half to two million bucks a year and living pretty dang good. So again, if I was willing to play roles in the past where the content allowed for me to use certain bad language or participate in scenes that had certain sexual content — I’m feeling like I just don’t want to play those roles anymore.

Here’s the interesting part: It’s not only because of the decision I’ve made in my faith, but whether or not I became a born-again Christian, I was at a place in my life where I’ve been there and done that. It’s been a very interesting synergy — it all came together in a timely fashion that was interesting to me personally. That being said, and equally, I think the responsibility or the impact of where I’ve arrived now was not only because of that decision, but because of what’s happening in the economy. There’s all kinds of different people from all different walks of life and income brackets and occupations … you and I could list other celebrities who have been having tough financial times. I think the motivation for this vision, called ‘All Who Knew Him,’ and the launch of that being, this guy was saying, “Hey, if you’re a Christian and person of faith, there are people doubting whether or not the God of Stephen’s faith had abandoned him, and here’s a way we can step up and say, ‘This is our expression of wanting to counteract that.’

Did you catch that?  YOU can PROVE the existence of God, simply by helping a man who refuses to work to maintain his lavish lifestyle.  Stephen Baldwin has divorced secular society, but he can’t move on unless we pay him alimony, it’s only fair.  Although if you ask me, the existence of God was already proved when the reporter managed to get through this entire interview without stabbing Stephen Baldwin in the dick with his pen.

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