VINCE’S DISCLAIMER: I didn’t make a list of worst movies this year because to do it fairly, I would’ve had to knowingly subject myself to terrible movies. I don’t care what anyone says, you do that often, eventually it’s going to mess you up. Ever read a film critic who’s seen every Katherine Heigl ass-pile (or whatever the equivalent of Heigl was in 1983) for the last 30 years? They slowly go insane, they start recommending films like Atonement. Poor Peter Travers used to be the best critic around. Now he feeds his scabs to pigeons and buries herring in his garden to commemorate krystallnacht. I don’t believe in seeing every movie and pretending I don’t already have a pretty good idea which ones are going to suck. Snobby as it may sound, I’m trying to not ruin my taste buds by purposely scalding them on microwaved chili biscuits from Am/Pm. But I know how people love lists of bad movies. Luckily, for that we have Burnsy. You think that guy worries about his taste? Dude lives in Orlando. [/end disclaimer]
Putting together a Top 10 list is a grueling process in any genre, but I found the feat of selecting the 10 worst movies of 2010 to be downright painful. It’s primarily difficult because these movies are atrocious piles of cow flop that should cause unparalleled levels of shame to be cast upon the families of everyone involved in them. It was also painful because I watched so much crap this year, and there was so much more crap that I could have watched but just couldn’t. Seriously, The Bounty Hunter? I don’t have the will power to not throw my TV into traffic. But here’s the thing – I enjoy watching terrible movies so much more than great movies because I live to criticize. Vince can tighten his scarf and crank Florence + The Machine from his hybrid IROC while he raves about Hesher, but by all accounts Hesher is a great movie, so nobody’s going to argue.
I find that terrible movies incite so much more debate than great movies. For example, anytime I mention that my choice for the worst movie of all-time is Empire Records, I get yelled at by at least 5 girls (before we have an orgy). It never fails. However, in order to put this list together I had to look beyond the eventual scathing retorts I will receive and go with my heart. Or in this case, my anus. This list features some very obvious choices, because these movies just flat out sucked on levels that I never knew existed. And each of the 10 movies could justifiably be ranked No. 1. By no means am I a qualified movie critic, but I do have the benefit of being in the most important demographic in America (hooray for white males 18-35!), so my opinion is quite valuable. All in all, my sacrifices have been made for your education, friends.
Please enjoy, and feel free, as always, to tell me how wrong I am or point out my glaring omissions. But be kind, because my mom reads this. She started an account to say how awesome this site is…
Dishonorable Mentions: Clash of the Titans (loved the original way too much to enjoy this clusterf*ck of a retelling), Robin Hood (only reason I left this pooptacular new version of the classic tale out of the Top 10 is that I’m hoping a sequel pays off), Cop Out (just not funny, this movie broke my heart), The Losers (should have been better, but they chose to cast Chris Evans anyway), Machete (I’ll probably be killed in my sleep for this, but I didn’t like it at all), MacGruber (some very good jokes were ruined by some really terrible jokes), Date Night (we’ll get to Steve Carell soon enough), The Runaways (could have been great, but they went the other direction)
Movies I Just Couldn’t Watch: The Backup Plan (I f*cking hate J-Lo), The Bounty Hunter (Gerard Butler needs to cut this sh*t out), Dear John (C-Tates ain’t no romantic punk bitch), Burlesque (I’d rather crap broken glass), Little Fockers (my mom tried to get me to see it and I actually told her I never saw the second and didn’t want to ruin it), Marmaduke (I watched Yogi Bear for this list, Marmaduke was out of the question), Charlie St. Cloud (not even that hot Zac Efron chick can make me watch this), Gulliver’s Travels (Jack Black isn’t a leading man or funny), Valentine’s Day (this movie is an act of terror), Sex and the City 2 (even women hated this movie), Tooth Fairy (I can’t stand to see the Rock turn into Hulk Hogan), Leap Year (I wanted to see this just to hate it, but decided to keep my genitals)
Sidenote: Vampires Suck
I did not rank this movie, but I needed to mention this excrement to make a point – including anything made by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg or Uwe Boll is unfair to the rest of the field. It’s like allowing LeBron James to play in an all-blind AAU youth basketball league. But I watched Vampires Suck, as I watch all Seltzberg movies to make me feel better about my own creativity, as a means of gauging just how awful these other movies are. Seltzberg movies like Vampires Suck, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans are all equally terrible to the point that they define the rock bottom of cinematic comedy.
They have destroyed the legacy of spoof films that the brilliant Leslie Nielsen and Zucker brothers (before they went off the sanity map) worked so hard to elevate to the mainstream. If these movies were humans, they would be executed in public squares for the betterment of society. So while it’s worth pointing out how terrible Vampires Suck is (and it was f*cking horrendous to watch Seltzberg reuse their own awful jokes as if to openly mock their idiot fans) this film’s heinous existence is too obvious to rank.
10) The Human Centipede*
I have no problem with horror movies and I appreciate extraordinary gore with a childish delight. That’s why I thought The Human Centipede was a disappointment. The idea was unique enough to draw me in, like a clown car crash, but the execution was pitiful. I know a lot of people who loved Centipede, and I suppose I would have liked it more if I had checked reality at the door, but I find that horror movies are at their scariest when I think, “This villain is way too real.” Dieter Laser had me laughing more than he had my skin crawling. More than anything, I refuse to believe that in 2010 we can’t find better actors for horror movies. In the 80s it was adorable, now it’s painful. Show me that the second-hand poop is disgusting, girl!
*Technically this film was from 2009, but it was released in the U.S. in 2010, so there.
9) Prince of Persia
Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t an action star, as much as Maggie Gyllenhaal isn’t a romantic leading lady. Jerry Bruckheimer has also completely lost his touch, if he ever really had it. This film was a mess from start to finish, incredibly boring, and at least 15 years late (what’s next, Excitebike?). Aside from the obvious, it’s the little things that really make me despise movies and in this case it was dialect. Look, I don’t expect this movie to be written in an ancient Arabic language, but I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume that Persians didn’t have British accents. Jake said that he actually had to learn to speak with a British accent because the rest of the cast was British. This is a f*cking film about Persia! It’s Iran! Hell, even Channing Tatum and Tom Cruise have enough respect for audiences to not even bother with accents when they make period pieces. Jake might as well have talked like a Chinese robot. Admittedly, that would have been awesome.