VAMPIRE ABSTINENCE JUST GOT SEXIER

Senior Editor
10.26.09 63 Comments

It’s not something I like to brag about, but at a previous job I was once asked to do a review of the Fleshlight.  Though most of you are probably already familiar with it, the Fleshlight is a Maglight-sized tube filled with fake rubber vagina (or butt, or mouth) that sort of looks like a flashlight, hence the name.  The short version of the review is that it’s like trying to jerk off with a three-pound dumbbell in your hand.  Kind of a hassle, unless you make a hole in a bed or a sex doll for it, and if you’re going to that much trouble to jerk off… well, let’s not even go there.  Not to mention, your own hand is already a pretty efficient fake vagina.  Let’s face it, God gave us two fake vaginas at birth and you can even control their kegel muscles.  My, this has been cathartic, hasn’t it.

Long story short, this is the vampire-themed Fleshlight called the Succu Dry.  It’s perfect for the thousand-year-old sparkling vampire who can’t bone his girlfriend and has to spend all day listening to her melodramatic 16-year-old bullsh-t.  I mean talk about sparkling blue balls.  It only costs $5 more than the regular Fleshlight, but if you’ve got eternal youth and this is how you plan on spending your alone time, you might as well save up for a wooden stake to drive through your own heart.

[via Jizzmodo Gizmodo]

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