Dry cleaning, pool tables, fully stocked snack cupboards that are constantly replenished — these are perks that you may find in an upscale office catering to the needs of employees who will spend 40, 60, and sometimes 70 hours a week chilling at work. These amenities are meant to make you feel at home (and like you should never leave), but are they enough? And what else can your bosses give you to make you happy?
For some people it’s more choices in sparkling water; for others, it’s a designated time to masturbate while on the clock.
If you’re already grossed out, here’s a fun fact for you: Recent surveys suggest that 30-40 percent of your office mates already masturbate while on the job. Yes, you can take a minute to stop and look around to see who the most likely candidates are (Dave J, sales), but then come back and read something even more surprising: the same people who are masturbating at work aren’t just doing it because they’re bored. Instead, they claim that creating a biological… output… while at work actually helps them be more productive and more creative.
Critics of masturbation — the fapstronauts over on Reddit –would have you believe that practicing self-love is never a good option (especially if you’re an introvert), but there’s actually no research that suggests that masturbation is bad for you. In fact, aside from any moral implications, there’s overwhelming evidence that taking a few minutes to reach out and touch yourself can help prevent cancer, boost your immunity, and improve your sex life.
So should your office sanction it?
Metro polled several experts and found that all of them agree (with some caveats) that masturbation on the clock — or at least on your lunch break; maybe in a specially-designed masturbatorium? — is a good idea. Not only because it really may raise productivity levels, but because it’s a “reward employees can look forward to” and one that probably won’t cost the company any money. Unless they’re going to start a Pornhub Premium initiative for everyone…then that’s going to have to cut into the trail mix budget.
There are some issues, though: According to psychologist Cliff Arnall, masturbating at work could cause some issues. For instance, it might make anyone unable to orgasm during their sanctioned 15-minute wank break more frustrated with their day. But that’s minor compared to the fact that he also believes that such a practice could lead to inappropriate situations at work.
Dr Arnall recommends that masturbation breaks shouldn’t be focused on fantasising about a colleague – ‘this is likely to result in cognitive impairment’ – while Dr Sergeant raises concerns that ‘introducing any form of sexual behaviour to a workplace could be seen as a slippery slope that makes people think that other forms of sexual behaviour, such as those linked to harassment, are more acceptable.’
Essentially, masturbation breaks should only be taken if they’re motivated by stress relief and a genuine desire for a break – not if they’re driven by intense lust.
That sounds like it would be hard to monitor — can you imagine “masturbation monitor” being the only opening at your dream place of employment — but we must also remind ourselves that people are going to masturbate while on the clock regardless. And the fact is, a break to masturbate, as Metro point out, is still healthier than ducking out for a cigarette.
Ask HR. And talk to them about that whole “LSD at work” business while you’re at it.