If you don’t immediately recognize the name Patrice Wilson, you’re probably not alone. All you need to know, though, is that he’s the guy who was behind Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and Nicole Westbrook’s “Thanksgiving,” or those songs that we’ve had so much fun ripping to shreds in the past. Wilson’s latest “protégé” is 11-year old Alison Gold, and if you’re a YouTube music junkie like I am, then you’re already familiar with her other songs and videos, “Chinese Food” and the flabbergasting “ABCDEFG.” I’m not f*cking kidding you, the girl sings a song called “ABCDEFG.”
Sure, you could be offended and maybe even outraged by the fact that Wilson charges people money to make these wretched pop songs and hilariously dumb videos, but as Anthony Kiedis said in Point Break, “That would be a waste of time.” Instead, save your brow-furrowing for Gold’s new video for “Shush Up,” which is wrong on basically every level and actually not funny at all.
To Wilson’s credit, even though he’s had no problem manipulating and embarrassing his clients in the past, he has never really portrayed them as anything beyond bubbly teenage girls. In “Shush Up,” as you can see if you watched beyond the first :05, Gold is dressed up like Ke$ha for this ridiculous bank robber/prison/death row idea, and the result is terrible.
Maybe I’m just getting too Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon for this YouTube game, but I watched the entire video twice and made notes at the points where I did a lot of this:
:06 – There’s an 11-year old girl wearing an outfit and running like she’s late for the Stripper Olympics. She also just committed burglary.
:09 – Oh, and she killed someone.
:13 – That’s a cop pointing a gun at an 11-year old girl.
:28 – Now the 11-year old girl is in an electric chair. She is about to be put to death for murdering a man in a burglary gone wrong. At least she’s not dressed like her name is Ch’a$$$titty anymore.
:52 – I don’t know if she’s dead and moved on to 11-year old stripper hell, but she’s basically Ke$ha now.
:54 – She’s joined by her prison posse of backup dancers who are easily twice her age.
1:27 – Maybe her biggest crime, Gold has just repeated the same line over and over for 30 seconds.
1:30 – Oh look, now the 11-year old girl is being electrocuted to death. I bet Wilson’s people would reply, “More like electroCUTEd!”
1:37 – The point of this sad dance song is apparently that we either need to “Crank it or shush” and by “Shush,” I think they mean that we’ll be electrocuted to death.
1:51 – In a 20-second span, we’ve watched an 11-year old girl pretend to be put to death via the electric chair five times.
2:10 – So the girl is still alive, but now she’s in a punk rock hospital and she’s being injected with a basketball pump full of brown liquid and taken away to the maternity ward to raise her doll baby.
2:40 – Again, the same line has been repeated for the last 25 seconds.
2:44 – Yep, that’s an 11-year old girl dancing in a top made out of caution tape in front of some shirtless adult men.
3:33 – Fittingly, Wilson is being visited in prison. Sadly, it’s by his fake mini Ke$ha and her doll baby.
4:17 – The 11-year old girl is overlooking a cage full of men and women wearing very little clothing.
4:35 – She explodes into gold water and rains on the men and women, causing one giant cage orgy.
5:08 – The 11-year old girl has finally been electrocuted to death. OR HAS SHE???
I’ve defended Wilson in the past. Sure, he’s profiting from the embarrassment of children, but Rebecca Black at least stood up for herself and said that it’s what she wanted to do. And as much as we made fun of Black in the past, that girl got way more than she paid for in fame, and we’ll be ironically singing “Friday” until we’re all in nursing homes.
But this video? It’s not good for anyone involved.