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UFC 91: CAP’N AMERICA VS. CAP’N PENIS TAT

By / 11.14.08

The other day a friend of mine asked, “How is Randy Couture vs. Brock Lesnar the biggest fight in UFC history?”

My answer: in terms of talent it’s not, it’s just really easy to hype. You’ve got your 45-year-old hall of famer who everyone loves vs. a freakish homophobic redneck meathead with a big cock tattooed on his chest who everyone hates.  Guys like Brock Lesnar are pretty much the reason martial arts were invented in the first place. It’s basically good vs. evil.  And even if you don’t buy into all that, who cares?  It’s still a fight.  I’d watch two hoboes fight (though I recommend attaching razor blades to their forelimbs to make it more interesting).

It all goes down tomorrow at 10 ET, live from Las Vegas, and if you don’t want to spring for the PPV, there’s a list of bars and sportsbars that will be showing it here.  I’m Vince from FilmDrunk, and I’ve got your full run down of the fights after the jump (clothing optional).

Main event:

265 lbs.: UFC Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture (16-8) vs. Brock Lesnar (2-1)

Main card (Televised):

155 lbs.: Kenny Florian (10-3) vs. Joe Stevenson (29-8)

170 lbs.: Dustin Hazelett (11-4) vs. Tamdan McCrory (9–1)

265 lbs.: Gabriel Gonzaga (9-3) vs. Josh Hendricks (14-4)

185 lbs.: Demian Maia (8-0) vs. Nate Quarry (10-2)

Under card (May not be broadcast):

155 lbs.: Jorge Gurgel (12-4) vs. Aaron Riley (26-10-1)

155 lbs.: Jeremy Stephens (13-3) vs. Rafael dos Anjos (11-2)

155 lbs.: Alvin Robinson (9–3) vs. Mark Bocek (5-2)

170 lbs.: Matt Brown (7-7) vs. Ryan Thomas (9-2)

Couture vs. Lesnar

Why Couture should win: In two UFC fights, Brock Lesnar’s beaten Heath Herring, who has neither sharp stand up nor solid submission skills, and lost to Frank Mir, who was only 2-2 since his motorcycle accident.  Meanwhile, in his last two fights, Couture completely dominated two really big dudes who were both a lot tougher than anyone Lesnar’s fought.  Lesnar didn’t have the experience to beat Frank Mir, how could he possibly have enough to beat Randy Freakin Couture?

Why Lesnar could win: Because Randy Couture is 45.  Because while both Gonzaga and Tim Sylvia were a lot bigger than Randy, neither are wrestlers, neither are as quick as Brock Lesnar, and neither are as big as Lesnar, who has to cut weight to make 265.

I’m not going to make a prediction because I’m a goddamned jinx, but I hope Randy wins, because if he does it’s going to be an exciting fight, whereas if Lesnar wins, it’s probably going to be because he figured out how to hold Randy down for five rounds.  Plus, even if Lesnar’s only a tiny bit like the guy he pretends to be when the cameras are on, he’s kind of an asshole.

Kenny Florian vs. Joe Stevenson

Winner of this one gets B.J. Penn.  Florian is slightly favored, probably because they’re both Jiu-Jitsu black belts but Florian has better stand-up and a longer reach [all the better to reach around you with].  However, I’m gonna pick Stevenson, the Mexican from California, over Florian the Masshole, because I find that race is generally the best gauge of fighting skill.  And by Mexican, of course, I mean I dunno, he just looks kind of Mexican.  Also, Stevenson’s nickname, “Daddy”, is slightly less gay than “KenFlo”.  Slightly.

Dustin Hazelett vs. Tamdan McCrory

NERDFIGHT! This one wouldn’t be on the main card if it weren’t for Amir Sadollah having to drop out two days ago with a leg infection, which sucks, because that guy was the ultimate underdog hero and probably the only guy out there besides Forrest Griffin whose post fight interviews are actually worth watching.  But no disrespect to Hazelett-McCrory because this is probably going to a great fight.  Both guys are really young and talented, and it’ll be hard to root for the nerdy white guy because they’re both nerdy white guys.  I gotta go with Hazelett who as a last minute replacement almost knocked out Josh Koscheck at UFC 82 (though he eventually lost) in March and submitted Josh Burkman in June.  But no matter who wins, “McLovin” vs. “the Barncat” is as awesome as Daddy vs. KenFlo is gay.

Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Josh Hendricks

Gonna have to go with Gonzaga on this one, as much because I know nothing about Hendricks as because Gabriel Gonzaga is a terrifying human gargoyle.  Says Cage Potato of Hendricks: “Randy Couture hand-picked this former two-time All-American wrestler to help him prepare for his bout against Brock Lesnar (you might have caught a glimpse of him in the Countdown to UFC 91 special on Spike). At 6′2″, 246 pounds, Hendricks isn’t quite as big as Lesnar, but he’s got plenty of speed and power, and very few opponents have made it out of the first round against him. Ring rust may be an issue, however; his last fight — a 50-second submission-by-strikes victory over Braden Bice — took place a year ago.”  Bottom line: two huge dudes are going to kick the crap out of each other.  Sounds good to me.

Demian Maia vs. Nate Quarry

Demian Maia is some sort of Jew-Jitsew stud who’s won submission of the night the last three times he’s fought, but I’ll be rooting for Quarry, who’s up there with Forrest and Amir when it comes to people who seem like they’re not assholes in real life.  At the very least, Maia probably won’t spend the entire fight running away like that last guy.

And here’s this, just for fun:


TOPICS#UFC
TAGSBROCK LESNARFIGHTINGMMArandy couture

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