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It’s A Great Day For A Sex Doll Race

By / 09.01.10

On Saturday, more than 450 competing comrades took to the Vuoksa River in Losevo, Leningrad Oblast – what, you’ve never been before? Oh it’s great, there’s a farmer’s market every Saturday morning. It’s where I get my toilet paper and vodka. But this past Saturday marked the 8th annual running of the dolls, of the sex variety, as men and women ages 16 and up borrowed or purchased the finest inflatable sex dolls from local sex shops and raced down the river.

Participants in the Bubble Baba Challenge did their best to float to a three-minute finish (Ed. – Show offs), and when the waves and latex settled, Vladislav Pavlenko was the champion with his female watercraft, “Vanilla Pelotki,” while Vera Tatosyan had the best time of the women with “Yosya.” Other sex doll names included: “Unstoppable Chick,” “Cuddly Female Racoon [sic],” “Big Tit Excess,” “Sexual Goddess,” “Roach,” “Miss Peep,” “School Girl,” “Indefatiguable” and “Luba For A Price.” And next year I will introduce my own floating lady, “USS Stokke.”

In Russia, the dolls sex you, St. Petersburg Times:

There are no strict health restrictions for participation in the the competition, although a specially accredited doctor, however, makes all competitors pass an obligatory alcohol test. The contest also sets the minimum age at 16 years, for both male and female riders.

The competition’s charter also allows the replacement of the rubber doll with a rubber penis of an equivalent size or an inflatable animal. Some female participants have used the rubber penis option. One such vehicle competed under the title of “Ladies’ Pleaser.” Obligatory gear includes wet suits, life vests, and helmets as the Vuoksa rapids can present a challenge.

I assume the obligatory alcohol test is a mandate requiring the competitors to blow at least a .15, especially among the 16-year old riders. For their efforts, Pavlenko and Tatosyan have won a case of bootleg Levis jeans, a 1967 Moskvich 412 and a Billy Joel greatest hits cassette. You can read about all this and more in my latest book, “Things I’ve Just Assumed About Russians Since I Was Six.”


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