Never in a million years would I have thought that rapper and Darren Rovell’s pick for the “#1 sports fan,” Drake, would be one of the biggest stories of the 2013-14 NBA Playoffs this early. Maybe later in the Conference Finals series, when he’d leave Miami after hugging and whispering sweet nothings into LeBron James’s ear after the Heat advance to the Finals, and fly to Oklahoma City or San Antonio in time to buy some team swag and party with Kevin Durant or Tony Parker. But this week? Just two games into the first round? What the hell could Drake be doing that has so many people yapping about him as if he’s more important than the actual game?
He’s lint-rolling his pants in his courtside seats apparently.
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To his credit, Drake has really stepped up his game as the Global Ambassador of the Toronto Raptors during their exciting and strangely-heated first round series with the Brooklyn Nets. While Toronto has really been taking shots at the Nets and their aging stars, Drake has also fired at least one shot at Jay Z, who used to be a minority owner of the Nets. I assume that Drake went after him and not Mikhail Prokhorov, because the latter is way more likely to have him fed to starved arctic wolves.
The reason that I bring this up, of course, is that I’m still fascinated by the selection of Drake as the host of the ESPYs this year. As Drake proved in his recent stunt on Jimmy Kimmel Live, he’s pretty good at executing other people’s jokes, but as he proved with that shot at Jay Z, he’s horrible at telling his own jokes. Haha, a fondue plate! He’s another platinum record away from doing Tracy Jordan’s stand-up routine about how people in St. Bart’s eat their lobster.
So I’m predicting that at some point during the ESPYs show, Drake is going to improve a joke where he pulls a lint roller from his pocket, runs it along his leg quickly and tosses it into the crowd. He’ll laugh awkwardly as no one reacts and then he’ll introduce Patrick Schwarzenegger and Danica Patrick – think of the banter! – to present the Best Tennis Moment of the Year ESPY. Sure, I’m joking now, but it just feels like something that will happen.